and witty repartee ensued ...

That one time ...

2011-08-19T23:22:00.002-05:00

... at our wedding, my friend, who just got married herself, read this. I'm tipsy tonight, and it made me smile.

Love by Roy Croft

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.

A thing happened

2011-04-29T20:31:00.002-05:00

So, when mistakes are made in my house, I say "A thing happened." For example, when I break one of my husband's fancy coffee cups, which I manage to do often, I say, "A thing happened to your coffee cup." Or, if I eat all of his leftovers from the night before, I say, "A thing happened to your leftovers."

For the very first time today, I was told by my husband that a thing happened. "A thing happened to your chocolate bar," he said. To the chocolate bar that I bought specifically for my quasi-diet (that starts immediately after I finish BBQ and wine tonight) so I could slowly savor one square per evening and quell all other fatty and sugary food cravings always and forever, amen. I am home alone on a Friday night, tipsy from wine, watching the Steve Carell's last episode of The Office and I want nothing more than a piece of chocolate.

But, alas ... last night as I innocently slept, a thing happened. A thing happened, and I need a better chocolate hiding place.

Random thoughts

2011-03-29T18:25:00.003-05:00

Boy, howdy, do I like being married. It's good times. Just wanted to get this out there before we attempt to finish our taxes tomorrow, at which point I will almost definitely feel different about marriage.
I feel like a total elitist douche whenever I drink out of specialized glassware, e.g., red vs. white wine glasses, and our slowly accumulating specialty beer glass collection, which most recently includes tulip-ish Belgian ale glasses. I mean, the jelly jars work just fine. Why do I need to drink out of fancy, expensive, breakable glassware? My palate and nose are definitely not refined enough to actually taste the difference among beverages in different glassware, as long as it's glass instead of plastic or metal, which I reserve for camping and boating. So, I have no real reason for the glassware, except elitist douche-ism. Do you drink things out of special glasses designed for the beverage? Why? (PS, not accusing anyone of elitist douche-ism except for my very own self. I know that some people can actually taste the difference drinking out of different glassware and/or have a strong aesthetic or experiential preference. I don't; hence the elitist douche conclusion.)

February ennui

2011-02-10T14:49:00.003-06:00

en·nui (n-w, nw) n. Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom.

Welcome to the annual occurrence of me deciding everything sucks! It's February. It was 20 below F last night. The late afternoon winter sunshine streaming into my office is as objectively beautiful as it was a month ago. I'm just ... not into it - or anything, really.

I've had the same headache since last weekend.

My winter wardrobe has devolved from mixing things up, fixing my hair, switching coats and bags, and wearing makeup and jewelry to two pairs of bigger jeans (to accommodate the winter pudge and long johns) + long-sleeved t-shirts covered by one of a rotating cast of 4 or 5 sweaters + boots. I cannot be moved to like one item of clothing in my closet nor to give a damn what I look like.

Everything I eat is ... fine. My attitude toward my beloved root vegetables has descended from aspirational to inspirational to apathetic to repellent. If I try a new recipe, even if it's good, it's still just ... OK. What I really want to eat is BBQ ribs and cinnamon rolls three meals a day. I guess I'd take some fruit salad, but only if it's served on a tropical beach. With rum.

I twisted my ankle on Monday so I can't work out this week. Running outside, which kept me sane in January, seems impossible with 10 below wind chills at the warmest parts of the day. With the help of the workout slump and eating out too much last week, I regained the two pounds I lost, plus another couple to join the party. I feel schlubby.

All of the things that brought me quiet, cozy contentment earlier in the winter - evenings of knitting and hot cocoa, admiring the beauty of the snow, walking on the frozen lake, writing, reading, napping - elicit nothing more than a sigh right now. When I read something fascinating, have a great debate or conversation, come across or (gasp!) think of a new idea, or even just have an enjoyable time with friends or husband, the spark seems to disappear as quickly as it appeared. It's an act of will to follow up on things, plan things, go to things, even if I know I'll enjoy them once I'm doing them. The drive to move forward with larger goals and schemes has gone completely AWOL.

I have (please and thank you, God; knock on wood; etc. etc.) not gotten really sick yet this winter. I've had two colds that other people might refer to as really sick, but they were normal and, for me, quite mild. I am grateful literally every day for my renewed health this year compared to what it was the last couple years. I am much more balanced, in shape, and resilient, and my immune system seems to be functioning again. However, every year for the past 4 or 5 years, I've been steamrolled by a Real Sickness in February. It's taken multiple forms, primarily sinus infections and bronchitis, but it has always featured sustained fevers up to 104 degrees, weakness so profound that I literally could not get out of bed to hydrate and pee, much less get out for medicine and food, much, much less go to work or school, all for a solid 8-10 days, followed by at least a month of lingering ick and desperately playing catch-up. I know it's superstitious, but I feel a low-level anxiety that February is stalking me, that I'll never make it out without the Real Sick, that I just can't beat this godforsaken month.

Of course, I recognize that all of this is self-indulgent drivel, that all of this will pass, that spring will eventually come. I'm healthy. I have, this week alone, one night of fun each with two different groups of friends, two nights alone, and a couple nights with my husband - perfect balance. I have opportunities in front of me, if I get up the oomph to take advantage of them. I have unlimited potential. I have warm clothes and a warm(-ish) house and a functioning, if odd-noise-producing, vehicle to protect me from the cold. When I feel like I cannot possibly eat another root vegetable, I have the option of throwing locavorism to the wind and going to grocery store for a pineapple and some salad greens. It's not like I'm some pioneer housewife in 1800s North Dakota in a dugout subsisting off flour, lard, and rapidly rotting potatoes. I have it good and easy and I know it.

It's just ... well, it's just February in the upper Midwest.

Without this, we'd never fully appreciate that first damp, sunny, 50-degree spring day where the first hint of goodness and greenness is on the wind and all the world unzips coats and lingers outside and smiles hugely.

Seasons turn, I know. My body just doesn't believe it right now. I will do my best to dwell peacefully within this one instead of struggling against it.

On the uselessness scale

2011-01-21T12:25:00.001-06:00

With 0 being essential to life function and 10 being so useless as to be counterproductive and wasteful, I'd say the self-pedicure when it's 20 below outside hovers somewhere around 8.75.

What I would've posted on Facebook this week if I were using this month

2011-01-13T20:59:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday, ___. (x 2 or 3)
Arizona. So sad. Also, WTF?
Too sore to knit!
The prodigal hat returns, and its owner celebrates with a feast.
Roast beast in the crock pot!
Sick husband is sick. I am (knock on wood and cross your fingers and toes) not. This is miraculous. Apparently sleep, lack of stress, good food, and reasonable activity levels make my dysfuntional immune system work. (Oh, Lord, did I jinx it?)
Soup is the best.
On the diet cheat day list so far this Saturday: pizza, popcorn with butter, G's chocolate chip cookies + premium vanilla ice cream = CHIPWICH!!*
Socks warm from the dryer after a hot shower make the temperature in our house tolerable.
Snow run! Just like running on the beach, in that it is harder than running on clear pavement because of the foot shimmying and squishiness. Unlike running on the beach with the 15 degrees and the slipperiness and the dark ALL day things.
Awesome that the new governor is staffing the DNR with people who have absolutely no background in natural resources. Makes as much sense as staffing the education department with mechanics and military affairs with teachers.

*Cheat day is the best thing ever. Whenever I have a craving, I just write it on my list, and I get to have it within six days at the latest. Woot! This diet is incredibly easy for me because it's really close to how I eat anyway AND I get a cheat day once a week. I don't think I'm losing any weight, but I'm not gaining any weight and I'm working out like a mo'fo' and not dying of hunger. Eventually, I'll have to do that dreaded portion control thing, but I'm just going to stick with the program for January because, well, I said I would, and because I like it.

My favorite things

2011-01-13T09:12:00.003-06:00

So, I don't usually get too attached to stuff. I'm a pitcher, not a hoarder, though I do have a sentimental streak that balances out the pitching tendencies. I tend not to fixate too much on 'stuff,' but a mundane experience this week showed me how very attached I am to my favorite things.

I left the house Tuesday evening running a little behind and amidst light snow. I had to swing by the in-laws' to drop off some scrapbooking stuff and pick up some knitting needles and then head over for out biweekly 'winter fun' night, which consists of watching TV and eating. (Hey, it's winter in the Midwest, and there are approximately 7.5 hours of functional daylight. Anything that doesn't involve me wrapped up alone in a blanket on my own couch eating carbs is serious fun.)

Somewhere between leaving and returning, I lost my favorite winter hat. I immediately emailed my friend and my mother-in-law to see if I'd left it at one of their houses. I feared that I'd done what I've done countless times before: get hot in the obligatory defroster blast in the car, take off my hat or gloves, set them in my lap, and then get up out of the car with a bag or other handful of stuff and let the gloves or hat drop into the slushy grossness of the street and not realize it.

For some reason, losing this particular hat greatly disturbed me. It's not that exciting of a hat. It's cream-colored knit with a little bill in the front and a button on the bridge. (That description makes it sound terribly ugly.) It is the only winter hat I've ever found that manages to be both cute and actually warm. The other 'stylish' hats I have sit up above my ears and do nothing against temperatures below 20 and wind. The traditional stocking caps I have are warm but kill all semblance of a hair-do and are just incredibly unflattering to my large, square head. This hat is perfect. G. bought it for me in a sketchy army surplus store in a small town in northern Wisconsin two Octobers ago on our (incredibly cold, dreary, rainy, but much needed) weekend trip to Madeline Island. I love that hat, and, clearly, I'm attached to it.

I was mourning it already, but my mother-in-law called last night, and they found it in their driveway near where I'd parked. Oh, glory be! I am inordinately excited about reclaiming my beloved hat!

So, what is your relationship with stuff? Quick infatuation followed by boredom? Long-term loyalty to a few favorites? Don't give a damn, ever? Less is more, but only the best of the best?

Here is a partial list of things I'm inexplicably and irrationally attached to:

Apparently, my winter hat.
My orange scarf from Bolivia. A friend once told me it was the scarf incarnation of me. She was right.
My 70-year-old pawn shop engagement ring. It's really and seriously beautiful, but I also love that we bought it at a very small fraction of its value and that I found something I liked in a pawn shop when I could find nothing I even remotely liked in any normal jewelry stores. Victory! (Could probably also be stretched into some sort of metaphor for our marriage, but I'm not so sure I want to go there.)
My Cavalier. God, it's my third red Cavalier. I have only ever owned Cavaliers. That is truly pathetic. I publicly disparage it, but I got *such* a good deal on that car, it's been paid off for 5 years, and it still has less than 100,000 miles on it. I could drive it with my eyes closed because, well, they don't move the knobs much on newer versions of cars, and I've been driving one for (gulp) 17 years.
My green velour couch. My friend's aunt off-loaded it onto her for her college apartment, and her husband was about to banish it to Goodwill from their basement 8 years ago when I got back from Bolivia. I saved it. It has moved with me 7(!) times. It is, by all objective measures, ugly. It is also uncomfortable for anyone over 5'5" tall (short people RULE!). It is also the anchor of my living room and my favorite place to sit in the wide world. I recognize that I will someday have to get rid of this couch, but it will be a long, hard battle.
My Chacos. Yes, they are comfortable and functional, but I love them beyond what any practical concerns could dictate. I am a Chacos evangelist and wear them nearly exclusively for 5-6 months out of the year. Maybe they are the shoe incarnation of me? I killed my first pair in Bolivia, bought a new pair when I got back 8 years ago, have sent them in for repairs twice, and plan to stay loyal to them until I have the opportunity to kill them in potential Peace Corps, round II.

Happiness Weekly Woo-Woo: How do you deal with anxiety?

2011-01-11T13:01:00.003-06:00

I'm admitting that the word "weekly" in the post title may be aspirational, but my purpose is to periodically (weekly-ish) share some of the good stuff I've heard, read, or otherwise come across as I'm working my way out of The Suck. Some of it is inspirational. Some of it is instructional. Some of it is saccharine self-help psychobabble. Some of it is spiritual. Some of it just made me think. The term "woo-woo" encompasses all of those things accurately, I think.

I got a lot of good woo-woo out of the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, so you might be seeing future woo-woo from her as well. (aside: For some reason I feel slightly less pathetic reading self-help books when they're written by Ph.D.s, as was also the case of the excellent book The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, which I recently borrowed from Loud.)

One of the things Brown talks about is becoming aware of your default response to anxiety so you can better understand why you respond to conflict or stress in certain ways and can better control your responses. When faced with anxiety, Brown says, we have a conditioned tendency to one of two responses:

Overfunctioning. In this case, we tend to take over a stressful situation, micromanage, and try to control things. The remedy to this is, when faced with anxiety, recognize that you are feeling anxiety, look inward, and embrace your vulnerability.
Underfunctioning. People who underfunction in response to anxiety let others take over and become less competent at dealing with the situation. They may become the disaster of the family or circle of friends, the one who everyone feels the need to look after. The remedy for underfunctioners is to find ways to amplify strenths and competencies in the face of anxiety.

So, how do you respond to anxiety and stress? Do you overfunction or underfuntion?

My natural inclination is to overfunction, micromanage, control, cover, make everyone feel better, do more, etc., etc. When I blew out my circuits, I think I withdrew, ignored, and became an underfunctioner in some areas of my life. Now, of course, my task is to learn to face anxiety without over- or underfunctioning, by standing still, staying peaceful, telling myself and others the truth about the situation (without shame or judgment), doing the best I can, and then detaching from feeling responsible for everything that happens and what everyone else feels. Heh, no problemo, right? It's a big task. Right now I'm focusing on two parts of this monumental process of re-learning how to deal with anxiety (with full recognition that life = anxiety):

Telling the truth, mostly to myself, about the reality of any given situation - neither judging too harshly nor explaining or justifying away ickiness, just telling it like it is and accepting it.
Making commitments very carefully, to myself and others, so I always mean and do what I say and don't rope myself into things that are wrong and untrue and resentment-making for me.

The summary of all of this thinking is captured in one succinct quote, also from Brown's book. It tells me what to do when I'm faced with stress, anxiety, or conflict. It is one of those things that, like most things that are profoundly true, is incredibly simple and incredibly difficult at the same time. It speaks to boundaries and respect. It has become somewhat of a mantra to me over the past few weeks. It is something that, when practiced, is powerful and empowering. It is this: When faced with anxiety or stress or conflict or anything hard:

"Don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand your sacred ground."

2011 Happiness Project

2011-01-07T11:07:00.003-06:00

So, the last couple years have been kind of hard. Nope. No qualifiers. Just hard. I failed largely, loudly, and more expensively than I ever have in my life when I decided to leave grad school because I hated everything about what I was doing, and not doing, and who I was becoming, and how sick I was making myself, despite the fact that I was oh-so-sure that it was going to be The Thing and despite the hours of work and worry I poured into it. Not only disappointing and depressing and self-esteem-crushing, but also incredibly disillusioning in the "Who am I? Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? What does everyone else think I am/should be/do?" way. Ugh. Follow epic fail with a year of un- and underemployment, a mind prone to anxiety and over-rumination, and you've got one lost sista.

Concurrently, I also met and married my husband in the space of 9 months, and subsequently moved in with him and had a wedding. Slightly backwards, but it got the job done. That is a joyful, wonderful, dramatic thing, and I am grateful for it every day. However, it also involved a whole lot of financial, spatial, physical, spiritual, and emotional upheaval, as well as the attendant identity adjustments. WTF is this "wife" thing? Who says? What do I say? What does he say? On whose authority? Add to that we're both melodramatic, emotional, and stubborn people who are polar opposites in many ways and, well, it's been hard. Beautiful and fun and sometimes soul-stoppingly perfect, yes, but profoundly, drainingly hard. We're still learning how to support without smothering, where our boundaries are, how to trust ourselves and each other, especially in the midst of such upheaval, and how to fight fair. Marriage is the best self-improvement exercise I've ever encountered because it is daily, unavoidable, and has hugely high stakes. (My guess is that parenting is this x1000.)

In the midst of uncertainty and anxiety, my natural reaction is to control-freak it up. Because there were a whole lot of things that felt out of my control, including, most frighteningly, my own emotions and behavior and body and health, I just kept trying to control more and spin in faster circles and more and ahhh and faster and more and better and aahhhhhhhhhhh and faster until ... BOOM! I blew the circuits. I overheated, tripped the breakers, shut down, shut off.

At first I wouldn't believe it. I kept walking around and flipping the light switches and putting food in the microwave and pressing Start and being stunned when nothing turned on. It took me many months to stop wandering around the house and just accept that the electricity was off. It took me even longer to figure out why, and several more months after that to accept that it was a good thing. My (body's/mind's/soul's/Self's/whatever's) internal protection system worked just great. It shut me off and shut me down before I could do permanent damage to myself. Good job, self.

Here I sit at the beginning of 2011 no less settled. Still seeking work, still stressed about money, still figuring out this marriage thing, still not knowing where we'll be next year this time, or even where we want to be. The house still isn't aglow with a soft, welcoming light, but there's some stuff starting to flicker and work. I found the breaker box and I've started flipping some switches, cautiously trying things out to see what will turn on. I'm not sure if or when I'll ever be all ON again, or if that is even what I want. And, I'm pretty sure it looks like the scary mansion in horror movies from the outside, what with all the flashing lights and intermittent darkness.

It does feel like parts of me that have been gone for a long while are starting to flicker back on. The ambition part. The planning-for-the-future part. The giddy-little-kid-excitement-about-cool-stuff part. The I'm-not-a-hermit-I-swear part. The I-want-to-make-do-create-be-good-things part. Right now there are just flashes and fizzles. There's still a lot of darkness; the electrical system is still not up to code. But, there's life. Flashes. Hope.

So, I'm enjoying and nurturing the flashes. They are pretty. They are me. I like them. One nurturing exercise is our 2011 Happiness Project. Along with five other women, and modeled closely then loosely on The Happiness Project (book and site) by Gretchen Rubin, I'm working to be more happy this year, both in my day-to-day and in the longer-term, my-purpose-on-earth sort of ways. I'll probably write more in the future about how and why I'm choosing certain goals, successes and failures, nuts and bolts, and a little of the woo-woo that goes along with the project, but, for now, you know some of the why. And here are my January resolutions:

Health and Fitness

Work out at least 3x/week.
Follow 4-Hour Body diet for one month (first week with dairy, rest of the weeks without).

Writing

Write in my journal every day. (Other writing, like this, strongly encouraged.)

Work

Systematically, creatively, and aggressively find, apply for, and follow up on 5 jobs opportunities/week.

Decluttering

Week 1: Take down and store Christmas stuff and deep clean house.
Week 2: Purge and organize desk, bookshelf, and files.
Week 3: Purge and organize closets/dressers.
Week 4: Basement. Ugh.

End of Year Challenge Results

2011-01-07T10:54:00.003-06:00

For those who care or are following along, I barely squeaked by with 80% success, but I did meet my goals for the 2010 End of Year Challenge, with the following cheats/modifications:

I quickly dropped tracking and reporting on the non-fitness goals. Too much change at once. I'm working on the journaling as part of my new Happiness Project resolutions.
During two weeks, I subbed amongst my food categories (booze for gluten, I believe), a tactic I'd originally planned to prohibit and generally avoided.

Learnings:

I did A-OK on my workout goals. There were only 2 weeks out of 8 where I struggled to meet my workout goals, and I squeaked them in every time. Setting reasonable minimums definitely works, and I'll keep this up in the new year. The flip side is that sometimes I wimped out on a workout with the excuse that I'd already met my minimums, so I didn't really need to run another mile. Lame. Stop that. Minimums are minimums, not upper limits.
I was fine with the food goals except on the weeks when I had special events. On those weeks, I tried to save all my "bad food" points for the events and felt I needed to eat perfectly the rest of the week. This led to "rebellious eating" on the regular days and then either blowing my goals or abstaining at special events and feeling pissy about it. My lesson here is that special events, which need to be narrowly defined and actually rare and special, not just "someone feels like happy hour," are in a whole separate category and I need to let myself go hog wild there. Reasonable limits work great for keeping a lid on eating during the workweek and allowing a few splurges for a dinner out or on the weekends.

I'll be carrying this knowledge forward into my new year fitness and eating routines. While I didn't do perfectly and I probably lost some of my muscle tone due to decreased exercise intensity, I ended the year weighing what I did on my wedding day in June. Unprecedented and heartening. Going into the new year, I'd like to lose 10-15 pounds (well, exactly 13 pounds, if you want to be specific about it) and run the Madison Half-Marathon in May. I've already thrown away my fat pants and put my ideal weight on my new driver's license, so there's no going back now. Onward and upward (or downward, I guess ... ).

Something I wrote

2011-01-06T12:59:00.003-06:00

c. Fall 2009, mid-suck, hence the emo. Sort of a prayer, or, more accurately, plea to Self. Finally feel like I'm starting to come out of it. Anyway ...

Take me in.

I am bedraggled.

dusty.

exhausted.

done.

Be kind, be calm, be warm, be patient.

Love me. Listen to me. Then leave me alone.

Feed me. Hold me. Let me rest, build my reserves, become well again.

My joy will come back. It will. It's just hiding until the storm is over. It needs room and time and calm. Help me find those, please.

Let me nap - deeply, endlessly, guiltlessly.

Let me wander - deeply, endlessly, guiltlessly.

Let me heal. Let me rest. Let me cleanse. Let me dream.

2010 End of Year Challenge

2010-11-09T13:58:00.002-06:00

With three fellow challengers, I'm embarking on an end-of-year improvement kick for the last eight weeks of 2010. We each created our own goals that we will track and report to each other weekly. (Tracking started the beginning of this week.) Some participants set weight loss goals; others set activity or eating goals; some of us have a combination. The incentive: each person who fails to meet her goals at her self-defined level of success cannot drink alcohol on New Year's Eve. Eep!

My thinking

For this challenge, I decided to not focus on a weight loss goal for several reasons. For one thing, I'm prone to all-or-nothing thinking, something along the lines of, "Well, I'm not losing weight, so f*ck it! I might as well give up workouts and eat all the cookies I want." This is counterproductive and feeds my perfectionist tendencies. I obviously want to avoid that and focus more on reinforcing good habits. Also, the reality of winter is that it's darker and colder, and I'm lazier. Also, we eat mostly locally, and so our food trends heavier, carbier, and fattier this time of year with the root vegetables, meats, and preserved foods of the season. To make matters worse, my body also grips onto weight harder this time of year. Given all that, maintaining weight, eating a healthy diet with reasonable splurges, and maintaining my fitness level are more reasonable outcomes than weight loss this time of year. I tried to set reasonable, measurable goals that would support these outcomes.

In addition to reasonable fitness goals, I also chose to use this challenge to track some other personal goals I've been working on. I'll be tracking and reporting these as a part of the challenge and counting them toward my success rate to determine if I can drink on New Year's. None of the other participants have added non-fitness goals, so this is all my doing. I set a goal to limit my non-essential internet activities so that I can be more efficient in my work (done mostly online right now) and job-hunting. I'm also trying to reinforce a move to restart my writing habit.

My goals

I seek to meet the following goals at an 80% success rate*****:

1. Eat gluten (knowingly) two or fewer times per week.*

2. Eat a sugar- or fat-bomb food two or fewer times per week.*,**

3. Drink alcohol two or fewer times per week.*

4. Run 10 or more miles per week.***

5. Do two or more strength/toning workouts per week.****

6. Write in my journal six days per week.

7. Limit non-essential internet browsing to 20 minutes or less five days per week.

The fine print

*For Rules 1-3, if a food belongs to more than one category, I have to count it in both categories. For example, a cinnamon roll counts for both gluten and sugar/fat-bomb; a daiquiri counts for both sugar-bomb and alcohol.

**Definitions for knowingly gluten-containing foods and alcohol are pretty clear, but #2 is a little more unclear. I will be pretty strict: sweet breads, muffins, desserts, ice cream, butter on popcorn, and chips/crackers all count. (These are the ones off the top of my head that I've eaten in the past few weeks and want to cut out.) Fatty cuts of meat, guacamole, unsweetened fruit items (applesauce, baked apples, Lara Bars, etc.) do not count, even though they're high in fat and/or sugar. Basically, processed things count; things in their natural state that happen to have fat or be sweet don't count. Fruit juice is a gray area. I think I'll count juice as a sugar bomb unless I'm a) sick or b) at a bar and ordering it as an alternative to alcohol.

***For rule 4, the 10 miles/week can include run-walk intervals, or, in case of injury (god forbid), walking or elliptical/stairclimber miles.

****For rule 5, this activity has to be at least 20 minutes in duration and strenuous and can include weights at the gym, Jillian video, yoga/pilates, or bodyweight exercises at home (push ups, crunches, squats, etc.).

*****I'm counting success/failure rate by total number of goals met, not by weeks of success. E.g. If I meet 6/7 goals one week and 4 goals the next and 5 goals the next, I'm at 71% success (15/21 goals met), not 30% (1/3 weeks at 80% success rate or better). I'm not allowing substitutions (e.g., if I do more than two strength training sessions per week, I can't drink three times and have them cancel each other out.) Also, there is no carryover between weeks.

Accountability and tracking

I'll update with my progress here periodically, but my real tracking is taking place in a zooty spreadsheet I made that tallies goal compliance, turns red and green for successes and failures, and keeps track of weekly and cumulative success rate. I'm excited for this one. I think I set reasonable, reachable, important goals for which I'm being held accountable. I think we're all going to succeed with flying colors and get blitzed together on New Year's Eve!

10K10lbs10weeks: Update-ariffic

2010-11-09T13:54:00.001-06:00

So, what happened with 10K10lbs10weeks? Well, basically I failed.

I lost 3 pounds total. Progress, but not much.
I got a sinus infection in early October and a whopper of a cold Halloween weekend (annual occurrence, unfortunately). This threw me off training and into carb eating.
Turns out I didn't have to skip the October 30th race due to illness because, well, I'm an idiot and hadn't actually signed up for it in the first place. I think I had 45 browser windows open when I attempted to sign up, and I clicked over to something else while it was processing. Apparently, it timed out, and I was too distracted to notice the warning message or the lack of confirmation email. By the time I went to double-check everything for the race, it was full.

I guess I could chalk it up to a massive fail, but some improvement is better than none.

I got back into running, and my long runs are up to around 4 miles. This is a good fitness base to take me into the winter.
I was definitely more conscious of my eating during September and October, though I backslid on carb and gluten control.
I lost 3 pounds! My jeans fit, so I have something to wear this winter. I got rid of two pair of "fat pants," one of which was falling apart and one of which was terribly unflattering. Now all of my jeans fall in the fits-great-to-slightly-snug range. If I want pants to wear this winter, I need to maintain or lower my weight. Great incentive!
We have started a fabulous new group fitness challenge (see next post) with high stakes, and I've created reasonable achievable goals for myself that are not based on weight. I'm excited to succeed at it!

10K10lbs10weeks: Hunger-induced insomnia

2010-09-30T02:40:00.004-05:00

It's the second night in a row I've been up between 1 and 3 a.m., unable to sleep for over an hour, and not bright enough to figure out why right away. Oh, yeah, the Kraken! Seriously, awakened by hunger? It's not like I'm living through the potato famine or something. I eat! A LOT! Often! A good mix of carbs, fat, and protein. Honestly I do.

I just don't understand. Especially last night, after I ate 4 suppers? (You bet your bippy I ate a couple leftover meatballs and some veggies before I went to bed, in addition to the other three meals. Gah.) Tonight, after I ate half a dinner and then snacked on appetizers, apple crisp, and a half bottle of wine for hours? Actually, tonight makes a little more sense because I ate a smaller lunch and had a lot of veggies, fruits, and carbs this evening, but little protein (just the cheese and yogurt in the stealthily healthy fruit and veggies dips I made), so that'll empty my stomach out faster.

But, this is getting ridiculous. It's not in my head, I swear. We're talking loud growly stomach, and that empty bottomless pit feeling, the lightheaded/racing heart/MUSTEATNOW loveliness. In broad daylight I can predict and prevent this feeling an hour in advance. When I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason (i.e., husband's snoring is at manageable levels), it takes me 45 minutes of rolling around and readjusting and counting sheep to figure it out. But, it's the real deal: sharp physical hunger pangs. True that I have been working out like a mofo the last couple days (update: knees still hosed for running - did Jillian and a 4-mile brisk walk today). Regardless, if my metabolism is truly that amped, or, more accurately, that easily stoked, I must be burning fuel like a forest fire, right? I wonder what my base metabolic rate is? Shouldn't I be dropping 10 lbs. a week? Oh yeah, except that I must be eating thousands and thousands of calories a day. Ugh. I don't know how anyone ever goes on a calorie-restricted diet. I don't dare not eat when I'm hungry, as anyone who knows me has seen Ms. PsychoEvilHungryBitch emerge when my blood sugar drops. I actually arrange my life around not getting too hungry. You will very seldom find me away from home without a water bottle and a snack. It's just inadvisable, for me and for the general population. So this midnight stealth strike is shaking me up a bit, as well as tiring me out.

Ah, well. I guess I keep exercising to the limits of my knees and my common sense, and remember to eat something fatty-proteiny-fibery not long before bed every night (apple with cheese, apple with almond butter [apple surfeit in these parts], chocolate milk or almond milk with veggies or nuts, anything except the sugar-crashy stuff really). Maybe I can contain the Kraken and sleep through the night. The question is: can I contain the Kraken enough to actually lose weight? And, once the Kraken goes back in the cage, can I intuitively dial down the eating to my activity level? Jury's out, and I'm going back to bed ... after I eat a few more nuts.

10K10lbs10weeks: The good, the bad, and the ugly

2010-09-28T19:21:00.002-05:00

The good: Made up my missed long run from last week (still have a strength training session to make up) and did an interval run and a bike ride, too, all between last night and tonight.
The bad: I'm dumb. Knees are hosed, particularly the right one, which is usually the "good" one, right hip hurts, and bottom of left foot feels bruised. Hello, Overdoing It. I know we've met before, and I can't fathom HOW I KEEP FORGETTING THAT. Consistency, wherefore art thou? Am icing and elevating right now. Hope I didn't screw up the rest of the week.
The ugly: The work!out! hungries! are back with a vengeance. About to embark on evening meal #3 right now (1-banana and almonds between run and bike ride this afternoon, 2-spaghetti squash [lots!] with homemade veggie-ful marinara along with apple cider and some more nuts after bike ride, 3-now off for a fried egg with a cheese biscuit [gluten-free, deeee-licious, and muy filling, woot!]. I have a feeling there may be even one more snack after that before bed. I'll try to drink tea and drown it, but GRRRRRRR! the beast has awakened. Release the Kraken!

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 6 Goals

2010-09-27T09:22:00.001-05:00

My goals and plan for this week (September 27 - October 3):

Goals

Lose 1 pound.
Increase running endurance to 4.5 miles with no walk breaks.

Plan

Run 3-4 times: once 4.0 miles/slow pace (makeup from last week), once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once 4.5 miles/slow pace. If possible, also run once high-intensity/shorter intervals.
Do strength training 2 times: 30-Day Shred Level II.
Incorporate better stretching before and after every run and strength workout.
Practice portion control and better spacing with meals. Limit snacks to only veggies (unlimited) or nuts (limited).

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 5 Progress Report

2010-09-27T09:03:00.002-05:00

Here's my progress report for week 5 (September 20 - 26):

Goals

Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September). Fail. Lost 1 pound, the same one that I re-gained last week. Sigh. The online weight loss challenge I'm competing in ends Thursday. No way I'm making my challenge goal of 8 pounds, but I'd like to lose one more pound by then to have 4 lost for the month. Then, if I do that again next month (one lb/week), I'll be very close to my 10 lb. goal.
Increase running endurance to 4.0 miles with no walk breaks. Fail. I didn't get a long run in this week.

Plan

Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 4.0 miles/slow pace. Fail. I did one good interval run and one crappy interval run. I just had a kind of icky, low-energy week. And (stupidest injury ever!) I hurt my toes. I have no idea how. I don't recall kicking or dropping anything, but for two days the middle three toes on my right foot hurt to walk on, much less run on. Weird.
Do strength training 2 times: 30-Day Shred Level II. Fail. Only did it once.
Incorporate better stretching before and after every run and strength workout. Woop! I did one thing this week.
Practice portion control and better spacing with meals. Limit snacks to only veggies (unlimited) or nuts (limited). Fail. I ate popcorn, cheese, leftovers, and many other creative and sometimes unhealthy snacks. And then there was the apple crisp incident. Let's just say an 8x8" pan disappeared in a mere instant, and my husband didn't get his fair share.

Lessons for next week

Ugh. Fail week. I need to get some positivity and energy back. I think I worked out too much the previous week and sort of burned out. I also intellectually know that exercising and eating well when I'm feeling stressed, tired, or otherwise emotionally crappy will help me to feel better, but my body doesn't get it yet.
I'm going to make up that 4-mile long run early this week so I can do 4.5 next weekend. Gotta stay on the training plan. I don't know if I'll try to add it in to do four total runs for the week, or just skip an interval run and do two longer, slower runs. I guess I'll see how I feel.
I'm not convinced that athletic training and weight loss go together. They say weight loss is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. When I exercise a lot, I eat a lot. Right now, I want to finish that race way more than I want to lose these 10 pounds. So, I guess I need to de-emphasize the weight loss goals right now and focus on being consistent in my workouts. If I truly want to lose weight, I probably need to be harder on myself nutrition-wise: track everything I eat, weigh portions, cut out certain things for awhile, etc. I need to be honest with myself that I'm really not committed to doing that right now and be willing to live with the consequences (slow to no weight loss). On the flip side, I continue to be grateful that I like to cook and generally have very, very healthy eating habits (food choice-wise, maybe not portion size-wise). We all have different battles to fight, and I'm choosing to fight the lazies and focus on getting runs in this week.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 5 Goals

2010-09-19T20:57:00.002-05:00

My goals and plan for this week (September 20 - 26):

Goals

Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September).
Increase running endurance to 4.0 miles with no walk breaks.

Plan

Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 4.0 miles/slow pace.
Do strength training 2 times: 30-Day Shred Level II.
Incorporate better stretching before and after every run and strength workout.
Practice portion control and better spacing with meals. Limit snacks to only veggies (unlimited) or nuts (limited).

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 4 Progress Report

2010-09-19T20:32:00.004-05:00

Here's my progress report for Week 4 (September 13-19):

Goals
1. Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September). Fail. I gained 1 pound this week. This reflects over-eating and -drinking at Oktoberfest on Saturday, with a Sunday morning weigh-in, plus general giant appetite this week due to daily workouts.
2. Increase running endurance to 4 miles with no walk breaks. Even though I did take two one-minute walk breaks, I'm calling this one a win. I ran approximately at a 12-min/mile pace. It sucked, but I finished it and felt like giving myself a medal when I got done. 4 miles is my long run in my training plan for this coming week, too, so I'm looking forward to doing a little better this week.

Plan
1. Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 4 miles/slow pace. Completed. I'm rockin' the running. I credit the weather. It's utterly glorious running weather right now.
2. Do strength training 3 times: 30-Day Shred Level I with no girly push-ups. Completed. I did two 30-Day Shred Level I workouts, still with about half girly push-ups. I am sick of Level I and moving on to Level II this week. I also did one Power Yoga one-hour DVD, which is a great toning workout.

Bonus workouts: Two longish bike rides (13 and 10-ish miles), 3 shorter bike rides to downtown for a total of another ~10 miles. Several brisk walks. Great workout week; did something active every day. I took a much needed rest day today, courtesy of a hangover.
3. Maintain reasonable food portions. Fail. With all the working out, I was a bottomless pit this week. I ate very healthy - lake trout, lean ground beef, roasted chicken, tons of veggies, greek yogurt, fruit, a few potatoes and a squash for starches - but I ate A LOT. Then I went to Oktoberfest on Saturday and drank several LITERS of beer and had salty, oily popcorn for dinner. I haven't been drinking very much at all this summer and can get sufficiently tipsy from one or two drinks. I've also had very little salt since I started eating differently a couple months ago. Hence, I woke up this morning hungover, headachey, sore, and bloated. I just kind of felt lazy and vague all day. I'm eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, a few carbs, and some leftover spicy meatloaf to get my energy back. Ook. I don't think I'll be repeating that level of indulgence for quite some time. Not worth losing a whole day.

Lessons for next week

The portions. Seriously. I'm focusing on this hardcore this week - better meal spacing so I don't get ravenous, reasonable meal portions, no seconds, only veggies (unlimited) and nuts (limited) for snacks.
I'm going back down to two strength/toning sessions per week. I was really sore this week and need more rest time. (I got a massage and the therapist told me my muscles were so tight that they were pulling my spine out of alignment. I need more rest and more stretching.) My main goal is to finish that race in October. To do that, I have to stay healthy and motivated and not overdo it.
I'm going to suck the marrow out of this good weather and keep up the bike riding and walks and general outdoorsy goodness.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 4 Goals

2010-09-13T08:42:00.003-05:00

Here are my goals and plans for Week 4 (September 13-19):

Goals
1. Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September).
2. Increase running endurance to 4 miles with no walk breaks.

Plan
1. Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 4 miles/slow pace.
2. Do strength training 3 times: 30-Day Shred Level I with no girly push-ups.
3. Maintain reasonable food portions.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 3 Progress Report

2010-09-13T08:37:00.003-05:00

Here's my progress update for Week 3 (September 6 - 12):

Goals

Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September). Completed. Woot! (I probably regained a pound of that at the goat roast yesterday afternoon, but as of Sunday morning, I'd lost 2 pounds. I'll take it.)
Increase running endurance to 3.5 miles with no walk breaks. Completed. Woot!

Plan

Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 3.5 miles/slow pace. Completed, though my medium-intensity/longer interval run kinda sucked. I was running for too long (5- or 8-minute stretches) to really run hard/nearly sprint like I do on shorter (2- or 3-minute) intervals. So, I kind of did this fair-to-middling thing, maybe running a little faster than normal during the intervals but didn't need the whole walk recovery period after because I wasn't pushing it enough. I need to figure out pacing for this type of run. Also, I was very sore after my 3.6-mile run Saturday. Big difference between running on asphalt and running on a trail. My pace was slow (12-minute miles), but I ran the whole thing except a ~ 1-minute walk break to take off my top layer.
Do strength training 2 times: 30-Day Shred Level I with no girly push-ups. Fail. I had a mild cold and was lazy early in the week and so tried to cram too much in at the end of the week again, so I only got one 30DS session in. I'm adding it on to next week because I'm sick of Level I and want to work my way out of it this week. No bonus workouts or bike rides of note this week, except chasing my four nieces and nephews for a day.
Mindful eating with only one new "elimination" food added back in per day. Fair to middling. I didn't replace foods as systematically as I'd planned, and I was a carb fiend for two days early in the week when I wasn't feeling well. However, I got on track at the end of the week and didn't have any serious digestive upset days all week. I now know that I can eat quinoa, rice, and lentils. I also ate a few bites of wheat-containing items on a full stomach and didn't get sick. The full vs. empty stomach thing is definitely a factor. I have an influx of meat and veggies in my fridge again now. I think my final solution may be to try to eat grain- and legume-free and go easy on the non-yogurt dairy about 80-90% of the time because I felt really great when I ate that way for a month. I'll save my 10-20% for those weeks when I'm low on meat and make bean-heavy dishes, when I'm eating out or what others cook for me, and when I have the occasional irresistible craving. I'll continue to do little experiments here and there, particularly with gluten-free baking as winter approaches, but I'm honestly kind of sick of thinking and talking about it after 7 or 8 weeks. I'm going enjoy my food and keep eating how I ate last month, just less strictly and not eating anything questionable when it could cause problems at inconvenient times. So, now I feel like I have the "healthy" and "ingredients" part of nutrition down. For my next trick: portion control. I'm 33, and I can no longer eat like a teenage boy (*cough* goat roast *cough*) and expect to maintain a healthy weight, particularly in the winter when my activity levels fall off. So, portion control will be my nutrition focus for the rest of my training period.

Lessons for next week

Figure out a challenging but maintainable pace for medium-intensity interval sessions.
BE CONSISTENT. Don't skip workouts or eat poorly early in the week and try to 'make up for it' later. It just leads to soreness and weird eating goals.
Watch portions at meals.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 3 Goals

2010-09-05T17:22:00.002-05:00

My goals and plan for this week (September 6 - 12):

Goals

Lose 2 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September).
Increase running endurance to 3.5 miles with no walk breaks.

Plan

Run 3 times: once medium-intensity/longer intervals, once high-intensity/shorter intervals, once 3.5 miles/slow pace.
Do strength training 2 times: 30-Day Shred Level I with no girly push-ups.
Mindful eating with only one new "elimination" food added back in per day.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 2 Progress Report

2010-08-31T09:36:00.004-05:00

Here's my progress update for Week 2 (August 30 - September 5):

Goals
Lose 1.6 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September). Fail. I'm down 1 pound. Two "howevers" (not excuses, just considerations) - First, I weighed in on Sunday morning, instead of my usual Monday, because that's the weigh-in day for a September online weight loss challenge I'm participating in. Sunday is my mostly-likely-to-retain-water day, as it follows my most-likely-to-eat-salty-food-and-drink-alcohol day. No excuses, but I'm usually de-bloated a little by Monday. Second, I came off a month of a restricted diet* Thursday, and really, really enjoyed my eating the last couple days, though not some of the digestive system results (more below).
Increase running endurance, as measured by intensity and total distance during intervals. Completed, awesomely.
Plan
Run 3 times. Completed. I did two interval runs, one at medium intensity and one at ass-kicking intensity. On Saturday morning, I went on a trail run in the Arboretum with friends. Perfect, perfect, perfect fall weather, good terrain, beautiful scenery, great company. Basically, perfect conditions and perfect run. I ran 40 minutes straight for the first time since spring of 2009. Awesome. I covered at least 3 miles running (not sure exactly because we were doing looping circles on the trails) and walked the rest because my knee started to hurt (observe my smartness!). Super happy about this one. Bonus: I also did an 8-mile bike ride at low intensity and a 12-mile bike ride at 12 mph (around the lake in 57 minutes!).
Do strength training 2 times. Completed. I did 30 Day Shred Level I twice, once at medium intensity and once at high intensity. I do all the cardio at high intensity now, and I hit all the strength moves except I still do girly push-ups and go every-other on the lat raises with 5 lb. weights. When I can to 50% real push-ups and one full round of the lat raises, I'm moving on the Level II, which is plank-tastic. I don't know if I'll get there this week, but maybe the week after (3-4 more times at Level I)
Stick strictly to elimination diet* through Thursday, Sept. 2, and then mindfully add in foods to monitor their effects. Fair to middling. I stuck to the elimination diet through Thursday, and then started adding things in. So far, yogurt, goat cheese (amen!), and corn tortillas are OK, but ice cream, popcorn, black beans, cheddar cheese, rice noodles, and (~sniff~) oatmeal are suspect.
Lessons for next week
Intervals are working! Keep it up. I'm rocking the fitness side of this because I have a definite goal, feel healthy, and love the weather this time of year. I need to appreciate and take advantage of those things while they are true, and learn to better work around it when they are not.
Introduce one new food a day. I did too much too soon this weekend, with yuck results. Try again with hard cheese and oatmeal, and then with less gassy legumes like lentils and adzuki beans. Fluid milk and ice cream may be a no go. Don't even try to tackle the grains yet - wait another week. Don't mourn things you may be able to eat only seldomly (I'm not saying "never" to anything, but will definitely choose to eat a lot less of things that make me feel ill). I felt digestively fabulous for an entire month, and showed no signs of any of the various summer colds going around (I'm a germ magnet). One weekend of some of these foods, and I had digestive symptoms again, and also briefly had a cough and fever on Saturday evening that I have hopefully kicked today. Point taken, body.
*I've eliminated certain groups of foods for 30 days (through Thursday, Sept. 2) and will slowly be adding them back into my diet throughout September to help diagnose some food/sensitivity issues.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 2 Goals

2010-08-31T09:28:00.004-05:00

My goals and plan for this week (August 30 - September 5):

Goals

Lose 1.6 pounds (to be on track for -8 lbs. during the month of September).
Increase running endurance, as measured by intensity and total distance during intervals.

Plan

Run 3 times*.
Do strength training 2 times.
Stick strictly to elimination diet** through Thursday, Sept. 2, and then mindfully add in foods to monitor their effects.

*Run-walk intervals to build up endurance and mileage while taking it easy on my knee.

**I've eliminated certain groups of foods for 30 days (through Thursday, Sept. 2) and will slowly be adding them back into my diet throughout September to help diagnose some food/sensitivity issues.

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 1 Progress Report

2010-08-30T21:42:00.008-05:00

Apparently, I can't count weeks when I have to do something complicated like flip a calendar page. It's 9 weeks to Halloween, so last week (August 23-29) was week Week 1 - oops. Here's my progress report:

Goals (created retrospectively, but hey ...)

Get back to wedding weight for my baseline weigh-in (so I'm not re-losing the same weight).
Re-start concerted running program.

Plan

Run 3 times*.
Do strength training 2 times.
Stick to elimination diet**.

How'd I do?

Goals

Get back to wedding weight for my baseline weigh-in (so I'm not re-losing the same weight). Completed. I weighed in at my wedding weight on Monday, Aug. 30.
Re-start concerted running program. Completed, though shakily.

Plan

Run 3 times*. Completed. I did three runs: two intense interval runs with about three miles of run-walking + a mile walk to finish my usual four-mile loop, and one wimpy run of two miles of run-walking at a lower intensity.
Do strength training 2 times. Fail. I did 30-Day Shred Level I once. I also did it on the same day I did the easy run, hence the lower intensity. Poor planning and laziness early in the week led me to try to cram two workouts into one day. My knees hurt. Lesson learned. On the plus side, I also did an ~8-mile bike ride on Sunday.
Stick to elimination diet**. Fail. I did poorly early in the week, eating some grains and a bit of dairy. I've been clean since Thursday.

Lessons for next week

Be consistent. I can't get lazy and skip workouts and try to make up for it on the weekends, or I'll surely injure myself.
Stick to elimination diet until Thursday, and then mindfully add in foods to monitor their effects. Don't go on a crazy binge, or all the eliminating will have been for naught, diagnosis-wise. (Though I am planning to treat myself to moderate amount of ice cream Thursday night in celebration.)

*Run-walk intervals to build up endurance and mileage while taking it easy on my knee.

**I've eliminated certain groups of foods for 30 days (through Thursday, Sept. 2) and will slowly be adding them back into my diet throughout September to help diagnose some food/sensitivity issues.

tap, tap Is this thing on?

2010-08-30T12:13:00.003-05:00

Well, I haven't written on this here tired (and oh! ugly - need new template STAT) blog in almost a year. Wow. It's been an eventful year, what with the quitting school and unemployment and marriage and MORE MOVING.

Since this place is I guess kinda public (accountability!), but I'm quite certain no one reads it anymore because it's been dead for so long, I thought this would be a great place to track my progress toward 10K training this fall. There's no one left around to bore except myself, but I've found that I need some sort of accountability tool, or I lose my workout mojo pretty quickly. So, long story short:

Background
I blew my knee out hiking in Patagonia last March. It hurt. I didn't run at all last year, and I got fat. This spring, I lost 10 or 12 pounds under extreme duress, namely a group weight loss challenge involving $$$ and a wedding dress that didn't quite zip. I ran, 30-Day Shredded, biked, yoga-ed, and dieted. This summer, I've remained active enough - hiking, biking, the occasional jog and walk. I haven't gained any weight, but I certainly haven't made any progress toward my this-knee-is-officially-functional-again goal: running a sub-1 hour 10K (current personal record is 63 minutes from 2007). If I want to meet this goal before the snow flies, I'd best get moving. So ...

Goal
There's a 1/2 and full marathon + 10K race nearby on Halloween weekend, and I'm going to run the entire 10K in under an hour. In the process, I'd like to lose 10 more pounds before winter sets in. 10K and 10lbs in 10 weeks. Isn't that tidy?

The Plan

Running 3x/week. Spending 3-4 weeks doing intervals to get some mileage under my belt without injury and to get myself back up to my usual baseline of 3-3.5 miles at 11 min/mile pace, then starting a modified 8-week 10K training plan to increase my pace and distance.
2x/week strength training.
Bonus workouts of bike riding, hiking, and other fun fall stuff as they come.
Logging training progress and weight (+ or - pounds, not actual numbers, silly) here at least once/week, so I have some external guilt for slothfulness or overeating, in addition to my nasty but surprisingly ineffective inner guilt.

10K10lbs10wks. Hit it!

Personal happiness commandments

2009-09-17T16:43:00.002-05:00

One of the blogs that's been in my feed reader for a long while is The Happiness Project. The author began researching how to be happy as part of a writing a book. One of her projects as a part of the blog/book was to write personal happiness commandments. One of the most interesting recurring themes on the blog is that the things you think might make you happy - like giving yourself a treat, slacking off, or giving in to your emotions - actually end up doing the opposite in the long term. Many of her commandments echo that general theme.

After reading her commandments and the explanations behind them, some other people's lists, and thinking about the processes that consistently make me happy, rather than provide short-term gratification, I came up with my own list. Many of the items were on the author's list and/or from other things I've read, but the ones I chose all seem to fall around a central theme of focus - on the now, on what needs to be done, on commitments I've made, on the people I'm with, rather than focusing on the past or future or other. After feeling particularly scattered for quite some time, this central theme makes a lot of sense to me.

Not saying that these won't change in the future, but I'm committed to following my personal commandments for the rest of this year because I think they'll serve me very well in the place I'm in right now. Maybe if I get an itch to blog some more I'll go into more detail for each one sometime.

My Happiness Commandments
1. Love.
2. Be me.
3. Let it go. Don't keep score.
4. Act the way I want to feel.
5. Do it now.
6. Enjoy the process.

Scenes from my best vacation ever

2009-06-03T09:19:00.007-05:00

I got back a few days ago from a trip to Door County that ranks as the best vacation I've ever had, exotic tropical destinations included. I still can't bring myself to be anything but totally relaxed. After the craziness of the semester and moving, it was absolutely perfect. The clouds literally parted as we drove out of Madison Thursday afternoon, and the rest of the vacation continued to be sickeningly, poetically idyllic. I couldn't have written a script for the perfect vacation that was better than this one. Just a few pictures that don't even begin to capture the gloriousness ...

Sunset from campsite #49 at Calumet County Park on the way up Thursday night, a surprising and random find on the eastern shore of Lake Winnebago.

View from the canoe paddling in to our campsite at Newport, a wilderness state park on the northeastern tip of Door County. The paddling wasn't all this smooth. In fact, it was a little hairy at times. We were riding low with a cooler full of beer, firewood, drinking water, and two full-ish packs, and some of the waves came up over the bow. Needless to say, we arrived safe and exhilarated.

Our campsite straight out of a Disney movie - in a bay, view of Lake Michigan, and carpeted in forget-me-nots. Like I said, couldn't have written a script for this one ...

This was our shitter-with-a-view. Down a wildflower-strewn path from the campsite, with a beautiful view of Lake Michigan from the throne.

Our lunch spot on the paddle up the Mink River estuary. We found the spring source of the river. We saw turtles, a four-foot-long catfish, a crane family, and a marsh smoke monster-under-water that crashed through reeds at lightning speed. We're still trying to figure out what that was. We were escorted out of the river by the crane daddy after we got too close to momma and nest. Amazing. Then we had one helluva paddle into the wind and against capable-of-flipping-a-canoe waves across Rowley's Bay and back up the turn to our campsite. There may have been a wee bit of a mild hypothermia incident that evening, but I was well cared for, and we won't be so dumb next time. Epic paddle, dude.

This is the Washington Island Hotel where we stayed our last night. We missed the fancy-schmancy Friday and Saturday night dinners, but we were the only guests in the whole place on this early season Sunday! We caught the tail end of Sunday brunch and then had good wine, steam showers, and an amazing nap. Sunday night found us playing pool and drinking ginormous brandy old fashioneds in a townie bar with three older islanders. It was really, really hard to get out of that soft and historic bed the next day, so we stayed right until checkout time and then reluctantly headed home, stopping at a diner for fries and milk shakes on the way. Not at all surprisingly, it started getting cloudy again about 30 minutes out of Madison.

Best trip ever. Feeling incredibly blessed. Bodes well for an amazing summer.

Summer could potentially be awesome

2009-05-05T13:48:00.002-05:00

In lieu of writing the papers I mustmustmust write right now, I've spent far too much time the last couple days figuring out how to make this summer AWESOME. So far, I:

Figured out the majority of moving logistics, if it all works out for everyone else. I have an empty basement, a truck, helpers, and a week to pack and clean. Looks promising!
Found a job that pays ridiculous amounts of money for doing case studies of farmers' cover cropping techniques. Doing two or three of these in June will pretty much cover what I earn as a TA. This means I won't need to get a real hourly job for the summer because my fellowship money comes in June, and I can start using some of my assistantship hours for next academic year in July.
Got into an organic production class for the summer. Experience plus source of free food for the summer = awesome!
Will (hopefully) have my research logistics for the summer figured out by the end of next week.
Have an appointment to look at a room for the fall in a place a few blocks down the street from my current much loved place. The women sound great via email, so I'm hopeful that it will work out.
Have been taking my magic knee pills and getting around relatively normally on my knee for the past couple weeks. Physical therapy starts next Thursday, and, if it goes well, I won't need surgery.

Of course all of this working out depends on two X factors:

Actually finishing all the shit I need to finish for the semester in the next week.
Finding a sublettor for our apartment for the summer so I can afford to do all of the above instead of getting a job.

Here's hoping ...

And the oddest text message of the month goes to ...

2009-04-01T20:39:00.002-05:00

I just got a text inviting me to an ex-boyfriend's birthday party next weekend in his hometown up north. I haven't been in contact with him for over a year via email, much longer than that via phone. I deleted his number from my phone long ago, so I can't tell if the message was from his phone (either he or someone who stole his phone sent a message to everyone in his contact list?) or from someone else's phone (someone went through his contacts and manually entered every number in there? ... ugh). Barring either of those two options, I was intentionally invited to this party, which would be stunningly weird to me.

Wherever it came from, it was exceptionally odd.

Weather-whipped

2009-03-04T13:51:00.002-06:00

The older I get, the more weather affects my mood. I used to be cheery or bitchy relatively independently of season, but now my character flows in sync with the seasons. I'm more serious, introspective, heads-down working, and, yes, prone to funks in the dark and cold of winter. In summer, I'm simultaneously more open, active, out there, doing, being, seeing, working, but also prone to more wandering and daydreaming and musing. The days seem so long and the warmth never-ending. Fall always feels like the new year to me - I'm plan-ful, purposeful, energetic, but in a more focused way than in other seasons.

And, ahhhh, now it's spring. Probably my least favorite of the seasons aesthetically. It's wet and damp and muddy and unpredictable. So, of course, that's exactly how I feel right now: wrung out, a little wet and dirty from being under the weight of dark and snow, prone to manic outbursts of angry weather. And yet ... if I sit, if I stop fighting, there's movement - not the frantic work of summer, nor the purposeful planning of fall, not the droning on of winter. It's a soft, perking movement - too soft to yet hear or feel, but my sixth sense gets it. It's there. It's real. Something is stirring. Something new is coming. A new fount of life and green, green energy will be within and without me soon. It's inexorable. It's coming.

This is good. I am tired, but I am hopeful. This is good. Spring is near. I will make it through this winter. This is good.

Trip to-dos

2009-02-18T14:14:00.002-06:00

So, I'm going to Patagonia in less than a month. When I have more than 8 hours of sleep, I get giddy about this. When I have far, far less than 8 hours of sleep (95% of the time this month), I forget about this, or allow myself the occasional sleepy daydream en route to an office couch nap.

Given the sleep deprivation status, our trip planning duties thusfar have been divided up like this:
Her:

Book plane tickets.
Book hotel room.
Pay for stuff.
Get books from the library to research activities.
Purchase gear.
Make doctor's appointments.
Etc., etc., blahblah practical stuff, etc.

Me:

Say, "OMG, Patagonia is my favorite place in the world! I want to go back!" ad nauseum.
Curse my now not-so-comfortable 10-year-old hiking boots.
Try to remember how I picked up cute backpackers back when I was 20 and 25. Posit that, even if I remember, my previous methods might not work at the ripe old age of 31.
Salivate over memories of that one meal in El Calafate, the one that I would have to name the single best meal of my life if forced to choose.
Reassure myself that history will not repeat itself and result in severe knee injury when I once again attempt hard-core glacier hiking while out of shape.

So far, I'm digging how this works.

In need of ooomph

2009-02-12T19:23:00.003-06:00

I have oh so much to do tonight, and oh so little oomph. I'm just done for the week. Strung out. Need a night alone to relax. Need 10 hours of sleep. Etc., etc., etc.

But, it's not gonna happen. Tomorrow, I have a test I haven't studied for, a short paper I haven't read for, much less written, two sections to teach that I haven't prepped or graded for. That's a full day's work to finish between now and 8 a.m. tomorrow. The weekend is packed solid - birthday party Friday night, brunch in the a.m. and brother and sister-in-law visiting Saturday during the day, making (!) gifts for party Saturday night (when?!), all-day plans 'til 4 on Sunday, and a mile-long list of work to fit in between all that.

I don't know if I can do this for two more weeks. Two days ago, I was all energy and positive sunshine. Now, I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate. Sounds like I'm swinging with the weather. I hate whining, and I hate it even more when I'm producing the whining, but, dear Lord, I am whining right now (if only to myself and the internet).

Most likely, I just need a good night of sleep, and I'll be ready and re-perked to fight the good fight. Tonight, that won't happen. Tonight I work. I said that this would be the year I just need to put my head down and work. And I'm willing to do that. I am. I just want to breathe in between.

Ask and ye shall receive

2009-02-10T11:05:00.004-06:00

Two summers ago, I quit my job, took a few months off, got a low-paying job at a non-profit, then a lower-paying one on a farm. Now, I'm in grad school. I've been much happier since I took that leap. That summer, though, my friend R.J. asked me how I liked being impoverished (relatively at the time, literally now, per U.S. government standards). I went on a bit of a diatribe about how Americans define poverty vs. the rest of the world, that I wasn't truly impoverished because I had a safety net in the form of family who could help and an education, good employment history, and local economy with available work to fall back on in case of emergency, etc., etc. After I got off my little soapbox, I answered, honestly, that I don't miss anything about money except the travel budget. I don't miss eating out, buying stuff, whatever. But, I was able to take a lot of fun trips while I was working at that one place where I made a lot of money: D.C., Boston, San Francisco, Denver, Hawaii, Bolivia, places I'm forgetting, too, along with innumerable weekend jaunts to Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, up nort' yah, camping, and more. That freedom was the only thing I've really missed in the last couple years, even though I've still been able to do quite a few shorter trips.

Last year roundabouts Christmas, I hadn't taken a "real" (read: non-weekend) trip for a year-and-a-half and had no prospects for any in the near future. I was feeling superbly antsy and wanderlusty about that. Then, G-Love got me a ticket to go to Amsterdam for his birthday. Awesomeness ensued.

This year, feeling roundabouts the same way and wondering if I could swing a roadtrip to visit my cousins for spring break, a fairy godmother comes by at the end of a sick-filled, sleepless weekend and says, "Hey, I need someone to go with me on sabbatical. Wanna go to Chile?" Well, let me think ... Hell, yes. In a week or two when I de-stress and sleep, that answer will be more like,
HELL YES!

For now, I'll continue to be grateful to my fairy godmother, my free trip karma, my former employer's sabbatical policy (read: they pay for stuff), and the universe's support of this superficially irresponsible but cosmically blessed journey into school and, maybe, what I'm really meant to be doing.

Morning ode

2009-02-05T08:23:00.003-06:00

Ode to cinnamon toast. It is God's gift to people who are obsessed with cinnamon rolls but don't want to weigh 600 pounds.

Ode to coffee. It is, simply, God's gift.

Wheedling

2009-02-04T07:35:00.004-06:00

My internal conversation trying to talk myself into not having a cold is not going well.

I kind of feel like the abusive boyfriend manipulating his victim back into subservience after he hit her again:

Come on, baby. I didn't mean it, I swear. I've been under a lot of stress, you know. It's just been a long week, baby. I didn't mean nothing by it, baby. But, you know I get upset when you complain like that! You know I like to get my sleep, and I get upset when you're up coughing and wheezing all night. I know you got a headache, baby. I'm sorry. Listen, how 'bout we get you some of those Advil you like. How 'bout that, baby? You like that don't you? Oooh, and green tea, honey! That's your favorite. I'll even put a little lemon and honey in there for you, sweet pea. Nothin' too good for my baby. Just don't worry, baby, I'll take care of you. I love you, baby. You're the only one for me, y'know? You just got to keep quiet, make sure everything's straightened up in here when I get home, and I'll take care of you. I know I ain't been around much lately. I promise we'll get all kinds of time to sleep together this weekend, baby. Don't you worry 'bout a thing, darling.

Or, maybe it's more like labor negotiations between the mind's management team and the body's union reps:

Negotiations have broken down between management and the union this morning. The body is calling for reduced working hours, less caffeine, more fresh air and exercise, and reduced stress. The body says it is prepared to strike at any time if their demands are not met. Management reps said they are prepared to bring in scabs to break the strike, at least until February 23rd when the company delivers its biggest customer order of the year so far. To reinvigorate negotiations, the government has sent in third-party mediators, including industry experts Citrus and Sudafed. Mediators are confident that both parties will agree to a nap concession by later this afternoon so that negotiations remain open.

Last night, I Relaxed.

2009-01-31T13:41:00.003-06:00

That capital "R" is intentional. This was Relaxation, not just relaxation.

The past couple weeks have been amazing in both quantity and quality. Good things and bad things are happening at a speed and magnitude that I can barely comprehend, much less act upon. So far, I'm keeping my head above water and maybe even making some upstream progress. If this had come at me during the last two months of last semester when I was physically and mentally Done, I would've drowned immediately. I have another two or three weeks of this pace before I hopefully return to normal levels of semester-crazy. Until then, I need to both keep moving forward and maintain some semblance of mental and physical health. Last night I found out how much Relaxation-with-a-capital-R helps.

On the bus ride home last night, I had a litany in my head: Clean to get ready for guests. 2 hours-ish? Get the bacon out of the freezer for brunch. Call sister-in-law. E-mail students who still aren't registered (again!). Cut up cheese and apples for snacks for game night. Drop off milk jar at the cooler for Sunday's milk. Take back too-big Christmas clothes to store and buy vinegar on way to party. Eat! Do I need to eat? Grab snack before leaving! Get to party by 8, have precisely two hours of fun, come home, sleep for 6 hours, get up, tomorrow's list. GOGOGOGOGO. GOTTA DO ALL THIS IN THREE HOURS.

This is a pretty accurate reflection of what my mind has been doing the past couple weeks, only this was a more relaxed weekend version compared to the weekday version.

I got home, sat my pile of stuff on the bed, and promptly ... fell into a coma on top of it. Drooling, dazed sleep for two solid hours. With neck crinked at a 90 degree angle on a backpack. Ahhhhhh. I woke up in a panic, frantically started gathering stuff and changing to run out of the house, re-calculating tomorrow's schedule to get up at 5 instead of 7 so I could clean-read articles-wash rugs-send out section syllabi-download paper research-run errands before my guests arrived and the next bout of officially sanctioned fun started.

Then, I stopped to breathe and decided I was insane. My red-eyed, frantic self was going to be no fun either tonight or tomorrow if I didn't calm down and get some sleep. But, I was pretty wound up by then and wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon. So, I cleaned. Well. For three solid hours. It's been weeks, since I took the tree down, I think. Much needed. Cleaning always calms me. There are no more salt piles and footprints in my entry way. My couches are vacuumed and my blinds and baseboards are dusted. My worms are freshly newspaper-ed. Most importantly, my tub is squeaky-shiny clean.

After I cleaned, I was hyper and needed to wind down, but figured I had about an hour before I crashed. (My internal clocks for Time from Hungry to Psycho Bitch and Time from Exhausted to Completely Incoherent are very accurate.) The shiny clean tub called to me. So did the bottle of wine. As did the opportunity to watch my one must-see show (Lost) that I missed this week.

How to choose? I didn't. I poured some wine, filled up the tub, lit some candles, and cued up Lost on my laptop. With my laptop balanced on the toilet and my body sunk into bubbles, I drank wine, watched my show, and slipped into utter, skin-pruning stuporous bliss. I barely stayed awake to blow out the candles, drain the tub, and stumble into bed. I slept for a solid 7 hours, longest stretch this week.

This morning, I popped out of bed at 6 a.m. feeling like solid gold, like maybe I can actually do this again next week. I can only hope ... and relax.

Monday, on balance

2009-01-26T14:09:00.002-06:00

- Overslept, didn't get 1.2 million things done before I left, causing angst about dirty house and lack of groceries for local cooking night and lack of prep for scary meeting with professor.
+ I make a damn good cup of coffee.
+ I'm a lot less tired than I was last week.
- This will last until exactly tonight when I stay up late trying to get all the undone stuff done.
+ Found a group for a group project in one of my classes, pretty sure I can talk them into doing the topic I want to do because I need to do the research for something else anyway.
+ Scary meeting with professor did not end in my death.
- Scary meeting with professor did involve me feeling terrible and him being curt and disappointed instead of his usual friendly self. (Rightfully so - I screwed up. I'm just terrible at having people angry at me.)
- I have only two weeks to totally rewrite a 30-page paper and do some other extra stuff while I'm already drowning.
- There are some unidentified, potentially scary lumps in my family. Happy thoughts and prayers welcome. Should have more news by Friday. Waiting sucks.
+ Lunch makes me happy.
_____
+1 so far. Not bad for a Monday.

The cuteness, it hurts.

2009-01-24T18:44:00.002-06:00

A video of the kidlets from a few weekends ago. Ignore the bad video quality and obnoxious high-pitched voice of the aunt. Observe the cuteness. And the unbridled joy of jumping off a step and running around with a blanket on your head.

Closer to becoming a person who walks around with headphones stuck in my ears

2009-01-22T16:41:00.003-06:00

Along with other students of life and sociology, I've often been one to jump on the bandwagon when people complain about how individualistic our society has become. No wonder we no longer have community! No wonder society's structures are crumbling! We do everything in our power every day to insulate ourselves from one another. We've arranged our lives so that we no longer have to depend on anyone for anything. We spend our hours with our heads glued to various glowing screens, interacting with no living thing or natural light. We build our homes with bigger private spaces (everybody must have their own bedroom and bathroom!) and smaller shared spaces. Kids have TVs in their rooms so the family never has to decide together what to watch. When we are forced into public spaces with others - public transportation, coffee shops, or just a walk down the street - we tend to look straight ahead, brow furrowed, mind on the last conversation or the next destination, noise blocked out by the rockin' "Monday AM Bus Ride" playlist on the iPod.

I've lamented all of this and in various ways tried to combat the tendency within myself and my little sphere of the world. I bitch at people who whip out their phone or Blackberry when I'm talking to or eating with them. My gatherings usually involve talking with and eating with others instead of facing in the same direction to worship the glowing screen. I say "hi" to the bus driver and the people who sit next to me on the bus. I make eye contact with people on the street. More fundamentally, I've chosen to live in a place where I can take the bus and walk down a street where I see actual people so I can do these things. I like talking to crazy strangers and old people. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I recently experienced the people who make our society laugh at my little mission, the people who could very likely drive me to abandon my ideals and stick headphones in my ears and plaster myself in front of the TV. It was late, tail end of a 14-hour day of chaos on campus with a few more hours of class prep to do when I got home. And, of course, I was hungry. If you know me, you will understand the import of that statement. I am the Psycho Bitchcat from Hell when I am hungry. It is a situation to be avoided, but the snackies in my backpack had run out about 12 hours into the day.

I sat down and got out my knitting and willed myself home to my pesto. The girl to my left gets our her phone. "Hey, what are you doing? ... (now yelling) WHAT? YOU CAN'T HEAR ME? I'M ON THE BUS! SHOULD BE HOME IN TEN MINUTES OR SO. I WAS CALLING TO SEE WHAT YOU WANTED FOR DINNER. .... WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?! ... OK, WELL YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU DECIDE." 30 seconds later, her phone rings. Obnoxious ring tone. "Hey! ... HEY! ... -insert long, drawn-out, YELLED conversation about which restaurant to order take out from and what kind of rice she wanted-." Two minutes after this joyful exchange, she got off the bus, presumably near home. Was that entire ordeal necessary, for them or us?

Meanwhile, two seats behind me, another guy got a call. Before the woman hung up, he was drowned out, but his fascinating treatise came through loud and clear once she quit yelling. His voice sounded exactly like Kip's in Napoleon Dynamite when he was talking about LaFawnduh. A little lispy, a little whiny. And he spoke ? in that cadence ? like this ? where he stopped ? after few words ? with an emphasis ? and higher pitch ? on the last word ? like he was asking a question ? or pausing ? for someone ? to say ? "and then ..." ? The rhythm was torture to listen to. And what story was he regaling the crowd with? He had a dream. He woke up in someone's house and like there were some sort of monsters flying above him and like at first I was scared and intimidated but then there were colors and ohmigod THEN like Mindy showed up like out of nowhere. YES MINDY. Etc., etc. For five minutes straight, without pausing, completely nonsensical.

All this in a 20-minute bus ride. I felt a little violence rising up the back of my spine, which was already coiled with stress. I breathed it back down, but, oh my, it was exhausting. I'm sure this is very, very mild compared to what people in major urban areas riding crowded commuter trains put up with every day. And so my fellow beings of this overcrowded earth, I'll no longer make generalizations about you and your headphone use. Maybe you just can't handle a Kip or a YELLER in your day. I just might join you sometimes ... especially when I'm hungry.

Cleaning out the feed reader

2009-01-19T18:14:00.002-06:00

On the eve of classes starting, I'm frantically doing all of the things I should've gotten done the last two weeks. It's going to be a long night.

That said, one of the fun things on the list is cleaning out my delicious links list - nuking stuff that I don't care to look at again, re-tagging things to consolidate, general anal reorganization that makes my sad little soul sing.

Highlights from the now defunct 'toblog' tag that are still worth linking to, with some entries dating back more than six months:

So, this is what it feels like to be inspired? A slightly dated but accurate take on the Obama election, appropriate on the eve of the inauguration.
Best mugshots evar. Good for a chuckle.
My favorite soapbox: Local is better, and it's not just about carbon.
Clearly.

An odd juncture in life

2008-12-31T15:07:00.002-06:00

I just came home with a short, strapless, leopard-print dress to wear for New Year's. I then looked in the mirror and commenced plucking three stray grays from my hairline. Oh, how I love thee, 31.

It's going to be a good year.

Ridiculously expensive long johns have revolutionized my life

2008-12-24T08:24:00.003-06:00

After a few too many cold waits at bus stops and walks around a wind-whipped campus, I'm now prepared for January. My Christmas present to me was a trip to REI to replace the water bottle and gloves I lost and to get some non-itchy, non-cotton long johns. I always choke on the price of undergarments, but I grudgingly threw down $35-40 apiece for two bottoms and another $35 for a top.

It may have been the best money I've spent all year. Seriously. I'm not cold. They don't make my dry skin itch. Windy schmindy. Bring on the kiddies and the sledding and the snow and 20 below! I can turn down the thermostat even farther! (My poor Floridian roommate might not think this is a plus of the Miraculous Long Johns.)

I think I might have a crush on winter again.

Merry Christmas!

Cynical, aging, practical or pathetic?

2008-12-23T07:50:00.002-06:00

The first in what could become a series. You decide! Does the following make me:
a) cynical?
b) aging?
c) practical?
d) pathetic?

I was far more conscientious about shaving for my first appointment with my new lady parts doctor today than I have been for any date in recent memory.

Please suggest ...

2008-12-21T16:35:00.002-06:00

... your recommendations for the following, to help me numb my tired brain over break:

good movies - past or current. The only ones I've seen recently are Juno and Rachel Getting Married (both excellent, for anyone else who's been living in a cave). That's about my average, so if you suggest a rental from previous years, chances are I haven't seen it.
good books - anything but scientific journal articles, bad romance, and chick lit.
a TV show I should rent seasons of on DVD - anything but Lost.

My tired, tattered brain matter and complete pop culture ignorance thank you for your input.

How tomorrow will be different than the days before it

2008-12-19T10:06:00.004-06:00

I will sleep. 12, 14, 16, uncountable hours of sleepful bliss.
I will nap. A serious one with the blanket thrown over the window to block the light. Earplugs in. Phone off. 3+ hours. Guaranteed drooling. No alarm.
I will eat. Three meals at expected times of the day. Each meal will consist of items from multiple food groups. No meal will consist entirely of Christmas cookies or coffee. There may be sushi involved.
I will bathe. Luxuriously and warmly with bubbles and candles and music and daydreaming. Not coldly, intermittently, slapdashedly, bad-hair-inducingly.
I will do. I will cross do-able things off a miles-long "to do before going home for Christmas" to-do list. Things that are easy, that I know how to do, that can be accomplished in a matter of minutes or hours instead of days. Things for which I receive immediate gratification and results. Things over which I do not procrastinate for almost as long as the task itself takes to do.
I will talk. To people. Several, maybe many. Happily, joyfully, with my whole mind right here. Coherently, featuring complete sentences uninterrupted by caffeine-induced synapse jumps to random topics. I will return emails and answer my phone and be kind and fun and lovely again.
I will walk. Aimlessly. Far. In knee deep snow. Somewhere quiet. To numbness or exhaustion. Possibly pre-nap.
I will unhinge my shoulders from my ears and stretch my fingers away from a keyboard.
I will write. Something that I want to write, not something I must write. Hopefully in the form of Christmas letters.
I will feel good about this thing I've done. Am doing. Instead of being mad at myself for what I didn't get done, or done well enough. Or feeling guilty for what I am doing or should be doing instead. I will feel good about the students who liked my class, liked me, did well, learned something, or at least thought about something in a new way. About all of the things I've learned. I will feel good that I survived my first semester of grad school. That I now know a million things to change to do it better next time.
I will sit. No book. No whirling thoughts. Definitely no computer. Not even knitting. No radio. No TV. No one. I will wrap myself in my great-grandmother's afghan, take off my glasses, and stare at my fuzzy, glowy tree. And I will be grateful. So, so calm and grateful.
And then I will sleep again.

But none of that will happen until I finish this last %@#$%#$%@ # paper. The thread I'm hanging onto is unraveling. I am so, so tired. Just a few more hours. Focus.

Because I never blog anymore, I'll link to someone who does ...

2008-11-21T10:42:00.002-06:00

This might be the funniest thing I've seen this year. What a way to start the holidays off right.

Like Bubba Gump, only with apples

2008-10-27T21:33:00.003-05:00

Baked apples, dried apples, pressed apples,
apple crisp, apple cobbler, apple cider,
oatmeal with apples, granola with apples, salads with apples,
apples 'n' peanut butter, apples 'n' cheese, apples 'n' yogurt,
apple snacks, apple lunches, apple desserts.

Lovin' the apples, particularly the cider. But, I might be approaching apple burnout soon. My worms love all the apple goo. If anyone needs worms to start your bin, let me know. I have some fat, happy creepy-crawlies waiting to eat your goo.

In other news, I'm buried, buried, buried this week, and it snowed today. Monday-tastic.

Apples

2008-10-19T10:41:00.004-05:00

Despite a Stoughton-induced hangover, our apple-picking adventure to Gays Mills was utterly lovely. The leaves were past peak, but a drive through the driftless area on a crisp, sunny day really can't be beat. We came home with a bushel of apples apiece and plans for making cider this week.

Wintersnowgypsy discovers the joy of trying to get the whole family to look at the camera at the same time. Nice work!

Grandpa and the twins.

And then the twins tried to walk on an incline. Adorableness and hilarity ensued

Sampler

2008-10-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

This is the blog post that happens when you download the 817 pictures you've taken since May. Can you tell I'm avoiding writing my first sizeable paper of grad school?

In May and July, there were some family weddings.

The clan (Dad's side) at the in-laws' on the Mississippi the day after cousin #1's wedding.

My little, tiny, young, young, young cousin who got married, moved his 19-year-old bride to San Diego, and is in training to ship off to Afghanistan. I think of them often.

Also in July was another wedding from which I have not one decent picture.

Then, in August, the twins turned 1. Oh, the cuteness!

The cuteness is ... multigenerational.

The cuteness is ... very upset when hands are stuck together with cake.

The cuteness is ... so, so seepy.

The next week, it was off to California, first to stay with my aunts and then to Ben and Melissa's wedding.

My aunts' ridiculously adorable foster kitty.

Some beach time.

A very happy Doc on Hollywood Boulevard.

And another happy couple with a slightly slimy minister.

After two long hours of drunken rest, it was on a plane to wedding #5. Less than 24 hours later, on a very different cliff ...

I never thought my goofball site mate from the Peace Corps would settle down. Such a beautiful ceremony.

An old friend from the Peace Corps.

Contemplating a kiss.

And the night ended in the only way it could: singing around the campfire. Perfect.

Because starting grad school didn't keep me busy at all, I decided to do some canning and teach three friends.

Tomato pile #1: not unreasonable.

Tomato pile #2: getting a little out of hand. Especially when accompanied by large quantities of hot peppers, some pickles, and mounds of basil. 95 pounds of tomatoes were mine, 38 were a friends'. We processed 133 pounds in less than 24 hours.

8 hours of peeling and canning yielded 18 quarts of stewed tomatoes for me and 10 quarts for my friend who was canning for the first time this year ...

... as well as a refrigerator FULL of peeled tomatoes, in every receptacle I owned, to be made into sauce in the morning.

After four hours of sleep, a 4:30 a.m. Woodman's run and 12 more hours of work, I ended up with 18 quarts of stewed tomatoes, 14 quarts of pasta sauce, 5 pints and 1 quart of pickles, a stack of ziplocks full of frozen hot peppers (way more than I'll use in a year), and a replenished giant pesto supply.

Oh, and this mess ...

... and this one. 9 loads of dishes, 1 hour of stove-scrubbing and another of floor-scrubbing, and one ruined pan. Yield: Total satisfaction.

Two weeks later, I picked a few flowers for decorations at the Food for Thought Festival.

OK, so maybe a little more than a few.

That night, after a long week and very little sleep, it was off to wedding #6.

It was fun and hangover-inducing.

And someone finally discovered my elusive best angle. (Is this what all you tall people see when you're looking down at me from your towering heights? If yes, you're welcome.)

Then I was tired, and we went to Madeline Island. Notable: a trip that did not involve a wedding.

There were cliffs ...

... and water ...

... and pretty fall leaves.

I swang in the magic swing and slept a lot and ate a lot and relaxed a lot, and it was wonderful. And then I came home and stayed up two nights in a row grading papers. It was less wonderful.

And now I'm out of pictures. Amen.

To ensure a melodramatic morning

2008-09-26T07:28:00.005-05:00

No idea why, but I literally woke up singing this song this morning (first line I remember sleep-singing: "It goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the major fall, the minor lift"). I hope I didn't dream of someone dying. God but it's a beautiful song.

This version is missing my favorite verse that's in the studio video:
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I learned to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come here to fool you
And even though it went all wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Feel free to play this at my funeral. See? Assured melodrama.

miscellania

2008-09-25T19:55:00.002-05:00

What I sing to my worms when I'm dropping yummy, yummy greenness on them: "Alleluia, it's raining men."
It took me 10 years to choose a master's program. Now I'm dedicating the same level of obsessive indecision to figuring out what my thesis project will actually be. Except I have to decide by the end of the semester. Driving. Self. Nuts.
This T.A. gig is, um, hard. Actual teaching: fun. Grading papers: sucks [insert things which are icky to suck on here]. Next week, I have to grade 64 six-page papers in less than 48 hours (in the midst of regular full schedule of work), unless I want to take them on vacation. 384 pages from people who routinely write things like, "There are many economical reasons why medieval peasants feared wolves." May arrive in Madeline Island a drooling mess.
Walked home from school this evening. The good: much needed break, Indian summer perfection, people watching galore, relaxation and perspective induction. The bad: stopped on the way home to refill all my bottles in the bulk section because it was Thrifty Thursday at the pharmacy = 2 mi. walk with 23 lb. backpack in flip-flops. Not the best planning.
Gail Ambrosius Chocolates are the best in Madison. My pesto, also awesome.
Madeline Island Dreamin'. (Sung to the tune of "California Dreamin'", of course.)
Apple picking in Gays Mills second or third weekend in October.
So intensely happy to be nearing the end of wedding and festival season. I am tired and broke and very, very done. Three more weekends of stuff, and then I shall slide into the long, cold winter and cuddle and hunker gratefully.
Unless we get 130 inches of snow, as told by the Farmers' Almanac. Then I will be a cold, crabby, and likely ill.

On a cold, cloudy morning

2008-09-05T07:11:00.003-05:00

Is there anything better than wrapping your hands around a warm mug with steam pouring out the top?

If so, I haven't found it yet.

Reason No. 14,276 I love my neighorhood

2008-08-16T16:31:00.004-05:00

Apparently I'm a fairy.

I was walking back from picking up fixins for a palate-cleansing platter (celery, apples, lettuce) and booze for tonight's deep fry party. (These errands were accomplished within a half-block radius from my house, which is reason no. 3 I love my neighborhood). I'm wearing a white flouncy skirt and a green tank top with bamboo plants (acquired from Cassie many moons ago during one of her many closet clean-outs in the Peace Corps), both of which I've worn dozens or hundreds of times.

Almost back to my house, a woman stopped me on the street and said, "I love your shirt. That is just the perfect fairy outfit."

No irony, all sincerity. It made me so happy I came home and cracked open the wine early - a vinho verde from Portugal - light, crisp, and fabulous, a perfect accompaniment to the amazing quantities of grease I am about to consume.

Ah, summer, fare-thee-well, I'll miss you much after next week. It's been a good one. Almost fairy-like.

40 Before 40

2008-07-30T16:53:00.006-05:00

Home early from work with a very sore back today ... hope it's nothing a couple days of skipping the 1500-pound cucumber and 2200-pound squash harvests won't fix.

So, what have I been doing the whole summer? The farm gig - lots of sweating and swatting and itching and planting weeding and harvesting and packing and learning. Some fun stuff, like festivals and weddings. Some volunteer stuff and getting ready for school stuff. Some jam-making and pickle-dreaming. Far fewer "useful" things like photo-organizing and running than I'd planned, and a lot more lazy days than I'd planned, as evidenced by the computer aversion. (This post marks the official end to the hiatus, as I've received a cosmic ass-kick in the form of the realization that, minus vacation, I have precisely two weeks until school starts - gah!) A hundred fascinating conversations with new people who I maybe should have known long ago. And a whole lot of thinking.

Doesn't sound very productive, but I came home this afternoon, opened my computer and wrote in 10 minutes this list of 40 things I want to do before I turn 40 (3,245 days to go!). I call this Clarity, and I like it.

Here's my list. What's on yours?

Finish a master’s degree.
Decide if I want to get a Ph.D. If yes, finish that, too.
Design and teach a college-level course. (Community college counts if the answer to #2 is “No.”)
If I like #3 a whole lot, obtain a college-level teaching gig.
Play a significant role in the passage of at least one piece of state- or national-level legislation supporting sustainable agriculture.
Speak at a regional or national conference on sustainable agriculture issues.
Become an active board member or director of a non-profit organization.
Write a book. Self-publish if the bastards won’t buy it.
Become a professional mentor for at least three young(er) people.
Buy a farm.
Populate my farm with a garden, goats, chickens, and bees. Kill as few of these things as possible.
Operate the farm as biodynamically and off-the-grid as I can.
Have a few kids, either through adoption or the old-fashioned way, and learn how to be a good mom.
Speak Spanish to my children every day so they have a fighting chance of being bilingual.
Develop a concrete plan for how and when I will live abroad for at least one year with my family (without goats and bees dying in our absence). The actual move might take place in the next decade.
Live above the poverty line and maintain adequate health, life, and property insurance on all of these familial and farm assets through what will apparently be a dozen potentially non-lucrative career shifts.
Acquire as few things as possible on this journey. Live ever more simply in material terms.
Travel with my parents outside of North America.
Get my brother and sister-in-law in an airplane. (We’ll save the out-of-country trip for the next decade.)
Take my niece and nephews on a cool trip that has nothing to do with a theme park of any kind and that hopefully involves campfires.
Travel to somewhere in Africa.
Travel to somewhere in Asia.
Travel to somewhere in Europe.
Return to Tomina for another visit. Or two.
Go to Madeline Island for a long weekend every fall and soak up every minute of it.
Hike Torres del Paine (my one regret from my previous times in South America).
Paddle for a week or more on the Boundary Waters.
Do at least a two-week long backcountry backpacking trip somewhere that is seriously remote (Alaska, B.C., ?).
Run a half-marathon. Commence thinking about a marathon, but respect the decision of my knees.
Plan someone’s wedding. If I never have my own, I have two decades of experience, dozens of examples, and an anal planning gene that begs to be put to use for someone – in particular, a non-Bridezilla someone.
Build a functional item of furniture with my own hands.
Create a piece of art that I am proud to display in my home.
Create a non-scarf item of clothing that I or someone else actually wears.
Learn to can one new thing each year.
Grow and preserve a greater percentage of my own food each year.
With my own hands, kill and butcher an entire large animal that will be food for my family. (Chickens are not large. Cows and pigs are large. Goats might be large.)
Get all of my photos (printed and digital) organized, labeled, in albums, and backed up. Print, frame, and display the best.
Explore my spirituality enough to define a consistent statement of faith. Practice it daily.
Finish the decade with even more close friends than I was blessed to begin it with. Ensure that each of them knows how much I love them and how important they are to me.
Figure out a way to pay tribute to the life of my grandpa, the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Then do it.

On seredipity and summer festivals

2008-07-12T09:28:00.004-05:00

I went to the Fete de Marquette last night with the Vav. The festival is being held in a warehouse parking lot this year instead of a park, so the aesthetics could be improved. However, I'm never one to argue with free music, street food, and legal wandering-with-beer a few blocks from my house.

We listened to a band from Ivory Coast, Dobet Ghanore, whose name I cannot pronounce. The music was good - her voice gorgeous and powerful, her range never-ending, her dancing an aerobatic, capoeira-like feat. I could have very easily just watched her move across the stage for a few hours as entertainment: she's a beautiful sample of the human form. (I'm grateful that, as a woman, I can say things like that without being a total perv.) Though the festival atmosphere was more suited to her more rhythm-heavy numbers than her contemplative songs, it was a good show.

We ran into a couple people I know from the foodie/ag circuit, and I was finally introduced to an elusive woman who I've been told about multiple times and who is also starting my grad program in the the fall. I knew I was likely to have a lot in common with the people in my program, but this was a little ridiculous. Our entire conversation was a call-and-response of "This thing?"-"YES, THAT THING!" "You?" - "ME TOO!" Something like:

Agroecology? AGROECOLOGY!
Food systems? FOOD SYSTEMS!
Goats? GOATS!
Registering for classes? Yeah, I don't know either!
Peace Corps? PEACE CORPS!
This person? YEAH, THAT PERSON!
etc.

She even knows my aunt and uncle who produce for Organic Valley. It took me 10 years to find a program that fit, but, so far, it looks like I won't even need to pay extra for alterations on this one. Alleluia. I hope to be milking goats at 5 a.m. Tuesday morning with my new friend - on the farm that makes my favorite goat cheese in the world, no less. This, a week after I announced my intention to start my own goat herd with two kids next spring. Stupidly serendipitous.

In addition, I had the joy of Grade A mullet sighting: an abbreviated, very close-cropped, feathered front that ended only halfway back to the guy's ears, with a profusion of crazy gray curls nearly to his waist in a ponytail. You can't pay for that kind of fun.

Anyway, besides the particulars of last evening's crowd and music, there is my general and abiding love for summer festivals. Why? Because festivals combine two things I lovedlovedloved in my youth without the negatives: county fairs and bluegrass/jam band festivals. I'll have to expound on the glories of county fairs through the eyes of a 10-year-old farm girl at a later date, but summer festivals give that same rush of possibility - from mullet-sighting to boy-catching to dancing to odd-food-ingesting - without much of the attendant grime, noise, and sleeping on hay bales or in a muddy tent surrounded by stoners. True love.

*A note on the blog hiatus: I know, it's been awhile ... might be awhile again. I'm just not into computers at all this summer. I'm kind of an all-or-nothing gal, so after five straight years of ALL with the computer, I'm switched to NOTHING this summer. I predict more posts in the fall when I'm back to actively avoiding work in front of my computer.

This might actually work

2008-05-13T12:40:00.004-05:00

Two unrelated facts that coalesced into this morning's grand idea:

It seems that I begin every summer with a psycho fitness kick. I'm in the midst of this year's right now, with intermittent spurts of success and soreness. In addition to the usual running and yoga, I'm also on a program of four-times-a-week, eight-hour sessions of low-impact aerobics + strength training, a.k.a., my job.
The upstairs neighbor's shower leaked into my closet last night. Serendipity was in action because, Sunday night, I began the (also annual) psycho spring cleaning kick by pulling all my sweaters and shoes out of the closet to wash, shine, freeze, weatherproof, de-dust, or buff as necessary. Luckily, the fortuitously empty shoe bags are right below where the water was dripping, so nothing got wet but the shoe bags. In the process of getting the leak fixed, I had to take every item out of my closet. (Also in the process, I may have developed a crush on our handyman, but that's another story entirely.) So, I have to go through every. single. item. of clothing in my closet to put my room back together. I don't have that many clothes, but it seems like a lot when my shoes are spread through three rooms and my bed is piled high with mounds of clothing.

So, the accidental insight? I've tried multiple bets-with-self to lose 10 pounds in the past. Last year's lose-10-before-30 contest was partially successful ... I lost seven or eight pounds and fit into my fabulous little boobalicious black dress. Of course, I gained it all back this winter ... ~sigh~. Other ladies are on a no-new-clothes-til-I-lose-weight restriction. That one doesn't work so much for me because I haven't really bought many new clothes since last year.

So, what will work for me this year? In putting away the clothes stack, I picked out items of clothing from my closet that don't quite fit. Only two of them are to the point of not actually zipping or buttoning*, but the rest are a lil' too snug for comfort - showcasing rolls is not my primary fashion objective. In this pile are some of my favorite items of clothing: a black silk shirt I shrunk a little in the wash, the aforementioned fabulous birthday dress (which I really need to wear a couple times on the wedding tour this summer), and my very favorite John Deere t-shirt. I'm going to hang these clothes in the front closet. On my birthday, I'm going to try them on. If they don't fit comfortably, they go directly out the front door to Vinnie's. With absolute zero in the clothing budget to replace these items, the mere thought of getting rid of them makes me gasp in horror.

Horror is good. Horror is what I've been going for. I think horror just might work.

*The exception to this statement, and my getting-rid-of-it rule, is the skinny jeans. We all have them, and I'm not willing to give them up. Mine are a pair of tiny little dark-rinse, stretchy, skinny Levi's from 2000, the year before I left for the Peace Corps, which is also the year I broke up with the guy I thought I was going to marry, wasn't able to eat, and lost 15 or 20 pounds in two months. It is also the last time I had seven weddings in a year. (Let's just say if my hook-up ratio at this year's weddings is half of what it was at that year's, I'll have a most interesting summer.) These jeans were doubly miraculous: they made me look tall and like I had a fabulous ass. I don't know if I'll ever fit into them again, as reaching that particular size requires either near-starvation or a several-hours-daily workout routine I haven't seen the likes of since high school sports. But, the dream lives on, and so do the jeans.

I'm a quitter

2008-05-02T09:52:00.005-05:00

Well, I've successfully quit yet another job. It's far less dramatic than last year's quittage, as I've invested far less time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears in this job than in my last one. Also, I know what's next and where I'm headed, so this is just a step, a blip, instead of a leap.

I could feel flaky and flitty and floaty, or that this was a wasted year. If I'd really had my act together, I could have applied to grad school from my last job and been finishing up with my first year right now. But, I most definitely did not have my act together at my last job. It sucked most of my energy just to keep my job together, so there wasn't much left for little things like sleeping and big things like dreaming. I feel like I took the time to find the right program and right place. I may not have moved incredibly far forward in the past year, but I've certainly burrowed very comfortably into my place and my self.

Sometimes quitters win.

White again

2008-04-30T13:56:00.002-05:00

These people may have seen my scarf collection.

Yet another reason to love squash

2008-04-29T09:49:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Lee's recommendation and pretty photo, I made pizza last night with a red kuri squash* base, toasted walnuts, blue cheese, and some arugula/dandelion greens with balsamic on top. It was really, really good, as was the company of a friend who lives across town but I somehow haven't managed to see for over a year. Needed more greens and slightly more walnuts, I think, but I'll be having it for lunch the next couple days and making it again. Mmmm.

Almost makes me a little sad that there are only two small containers of squash left in my freezer from the fall and winter squash rush. But, somehow, I think the fresh herbs, sugar snap peas, tomatoes, and sweet corn will distract me until September.

*This is the squash that I actually like better than butternut squash (~gasp~ blasphemer!). No, really. I bought it at the last outdoor farmers' market last year because it was pretty. I didn't know what it was called, but went home and roasted it and fell in love. When I mushed and froze it, I labeled the container "puree of BEST SQUASH EVER 10.07."

A thing at which I am good

2008-04-24T16:14:00.003-05:00

I haven’t managed people much in the past year, except volunteers, an intern, and my own boss. I’d forgotten that I actually liked parts of being a team leader – the part where people are freaking out and going all willy-nilly and about to do something dumb. I’m good at talking someone through the situation, exploring outcomes, making suggestions, and helping them reach a good, sound decision that will work for most people concerned. People have always seemed to trust me in this capacity, and I began trusting myself in it, too, near the end of my time at my last job.

Case in point is a pretty convoluted, potentially crappy-for-everyone-involved situation with our intern (who is supposed to take over my job after I quit next week) and another sort-of-maybe-but-probably-part-time offer she got at a place she loveslovesloves. Considerations included her current lack of employment and money, the flimsiness of the offer from the other place, her verbal (but not yet written) commitment to the job here, the state her bailing would leave our department and my boss’ mental health in, and the ridiculous pile-up of timing for the whole thing. This week, I kept her from doing anything rash, and talked her through to a solution that should keep most of her doors open and have some money coming in, but hopefully will also prevent complete melt-down around here. She’s going to talk to my boss next Tuesday and see how it goes.

Sadly, I feel that helping her handle this situation is among the most fulfilling tasks I’ve completed in my job in months. It’s definitely time to leave.

My first Farmers' Market brunch of the year

2008-04-20T11:17:00.003-05:00

In a long personal history of fabulous egg sandwiches, I had what may be the best egg sandwich EVER this morning with the spoils of yesterday's trip to the first outdoor farmers' market on the square. Two toasted slices of Big Country bread from Cress Springs bakery. Two foofed-and-fried eggs with plenty of pepper and cumin. Lemon-garlic aioli I made for last week's indulgence in an artichoke. Goat cheese feta (from the dude across from annoying bagpiper by Brocach), raw red onions, and some bitter, wilted arugula from my "spring greens" grab bag. My breath is terrible, but ohmigod good, especially on my beloved front porch at 8 a.m. with a good book, good coffee, people biking by, birds chirping, slightly chilly in my fleece - it gave the feeling of camping breakfasts and deep breaths and real spring. One of those moments of utter, complete contentment, no ups, no downs, just here, now, good. It's been awhile since I've had one of those moments, or at least recognized that I was having one while it was happening. I seek more.

Also, an excellent response to the question, "Why bother?", which near the end includes a good answer to why I so desperately want to learn to grow good food this summer.

On embracing poverty ...

2008-04-18T09:40:00.003-05:00

To celebrate my third to last Friday at my job, I declared ReFined Flour Fridays and brought in doughnut holes. They are good.

I also accepted a job at this farm for the summer. I will either be working four days a week or full time, depending on how a couple part-time gigs I'm checking on work out. It's quite a drive (probably 40-45 minutes each way), but I'll be carpooling with others from Madison. I'll be making ~1/2 of what I am now, which is already not that much, but I'm really, really excited. In addition to being poor, I will also be thin and tan.

In other news, at the prompting of the department chair, I decided to decline my fellowship for next year. They're going to offer it to another student next week. I feel good about the decision because it's so, so hard to find funding in these interdisciplinary departments, and it'll probably be the difference between someone being able to join the program or not, as it was for me. I'll have my tuition and insurance paid and get the TA stipend, which will work out to ~$12-13,000/year. I will be poor, and probably less thin and tan considering the sudden lack of manual labor and onset of stress. But I still feel good about the decision.

Forward. Now, I just have to figure out how to concentrate on this job for another couple weeks.

This poor, poor horse corpse

2008-04-17T15:38:00.003-05:00

I understand that this horse is dead, but if I don’t electronically beat it, I might hit something else instead. The administrators extraordinaire at my former employer strike again.

It’s open enrollment time, and one of this year’s changes, along with rate increases, is a switch from one of the offered health plans – the one to which I currently belong – to a new one as of May 1. Certainly not a big deal, as everyone is given the option to either choose any one of the three available plans, or be automatically enrolled in the new one at the end of the open enrollment period. The new plan is sustantially similar to the old one, the rate increase is relatively minor, and the physicians are the same – I get to keep my current PCP.

Fine and dandy. The only thing I have to do to make the change is to modify my monthly payment to reflect the new premium, and send my former employer the name of my current PCP so they sign me up with her under the new plan.

The problem? you ask. Well, I heard about this not from my former employer, but in passing from my roommate, who just happens to still work for the company, happens to be in town this month, and happened to mention that he was switching to a new insurance plan. I’m guessing these three points of happenstance are not common among the hundreds of other people who COBRA through the company.

My first thought was that they kicked me off of my insurance plan again. So, I called today. Of course, the benefits administrator is on vacation. The person who they transferred me to for help informed me that I was, in fact, still enrolled for health insurance (awesome! thanks, guys!) and that they did, in fact, send me a letter – with proof of receipt! – detailing the changes two weeks ago. I didn’t receive the letter, in fact, but they said I did – really! After that frustrating exchange, in which we agreed to, in fact, disagree about whether or not I had received the letter, we did agree that the important thing was, in fact, for me to get the letter now and figure out what insurance I wanted to switch to. To the pinch-hitter's credit, she found a copy of the letter and faxed it to my work within a few hours. I made the changes in less than twenty minutes, well before the end of the open enrollment period which is in, oh, three business days.

No blood, no foul, I guess. I am very grateful to have decent COBRA coverage, even with the $200/month suckage from my paltry paycheck. I will reiterate my relief that I will be cutting all business ties with this company as of September 1 and my disbelief at their utter ineptitude and inefficiency of basic accounting and administration given their size.

OK, I’m done now. Oh, except: can I complain that I took my car in for (what I thought was) the last in its monthly series of preventive maintenance appointments, which I planned to have finished before unemployment and studenthood set in, only to find out that a) they couldn't complete brake fluid flush because some thingers near the back tire are corroded on (estimate to get them off/replace the part forthcoming, but not likely small) and b) my broken rear window defroster is controlled by a magic computerized box that controls pretty much everything else, too (estimate: $380-ish for a new magic black box and $100-ish for labor to put it in). Awesome.

Now, back to regularly scheduled blogging, which currently includes trying to figure out who I’m bring to my desert island to have sex with for the rest of my life.

I am far too ethical

2008-04-11T08:14:00.006-05:00

I was telling the program chair about the TA gig, and alluded to the fact that I would be making a ridiculous amount of money if I get the fellowship and TA gig together, which would seem unfair to other students. He said, yeah, but we made you that offer ... Discussion ensued, and I left it at, if I get the TA gig nailed down, I'll send the fellowship money back to the pool this year, as long as they let me have it back next year if the assistantship didn't pan out for next year. Only problem is that fellowship is technically only available for incoming students, so I don't know how they can hold onto it for another year. We'll see ...
Of course, my advisor says to not feel bad about "double-dipping," as we don't know what'll be available next year.

VICTORY!!! ... without the 'sort of' this time

2008-04-10T21:29:00.004-05:00

My advisor brokered a TA exchange deal for me with another professor. Almost positive I'll be TAing in both spring and fall semester next year = full tuition remission, insurance and associated goodness, stipend, + fellowship money. I am 98% sure I'm fully funded, at least for my first year. Getting paid to go to grad school. I am giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy! I feel a Ph.D. coming on if this keeps up.

In addition, I was offered a job on a farm today. It is a fabulous, fabulous farm, and I got a really great vibe. I would love, love, love to work there, but, oh, the practicality. I would work 20 hours a week and get paid $50/week (yes, fifty - not a typo) plus as many veggies as I can eat and one chicken/week. (Do they butcher the chicken for me, or do I have to do it myself? TBD) Between the garden we're putting in the backyard, my CSA share, and that, I would surely not have to buy any groceries but dairy and beer for three months. I might still have to pay rent, though, so I'm not sure how that's going to work.

Finally, I am very tired and have no clean clothes to take to Iowa tomorrow. Do I stay up late to do laundry, get up up early to do laundry, or Febreze? Frankly, I could give a damn because I am what? - GIDDY!

By Lucia's numbers

2008-04-10T14:50:00.004-05:00

Having tried Lucia’s ratio game, albeit in non-meeting environments, in the past two days, I’ve discovered several facts:

I hang out with chicks too much. I need a dude influx.
I am picky about who I would sleep with.
I would be highly unlikely to sleep with anyone if I wouldn’t be really into it.

This explains a lot about my current state of romantic affairs. However, the results may have been skewed by the crowd amongst which I conducted last night's experiment – a room in a coffee shop populated by some typical Near East Madison goodness, including:

The vestiges of a knitting group, featuring a woman who could not contain her bodily functions, expletives, interruptions of strangers' conversations, constant rocking and toe-tapping, and frequent mention of her “survivor” status (I caught heart attack, assault, and trauma as just three of her myriad types of survivorship).
Two intensely arrogant dudes, one of whom apparently lectures at UW, both of whom were ripping on this absent other guy for at least an hour for – gasp! – ripping them off for at least $100 each. Redirect that energy, gentlemen, and you’ll make back your $100 shortly, I promise.
A bunch of nondescript women, one very nice woman who had to keep stepping over my computer cord, and one hot woman.
Two guys sharing a table who were almost certainly gay.
One guy with his hat pulled down over his ears who may or may not have been attractive.
A guy who wandered past to look at the art and then held the door for me on the way out.
The guy who works at the coffee shop and temporarily kicked me off the network because he said I had a virus. Kind of rude, but the only man in the room I would classify as very attractive.

My count: 9/2/1.

Why all the good ones are taken

2008-04-09T16:28:00.002-05:00

An economist's take on how fabulous women end up single and choosing among the, um, less desirable candidates. Don't know if I buy it, but I bet he'll get picked up at his next dinner party by a woman whose ego he rubbed the right way.

Google-stalking skills

2008-04-09T14:22:00.002-05:00

Frankly, mine are fabulous.

In honor of Chaco Season, ...

2008-04-07T17:13:00.003-05:00

... a shout-out on the newly minted Desert Island Blog.

Springy

2008-04-07T09:55:00.003-05:00

Oh, God, it was a gorgeous weekend. I spent a good amount of time wandering around, just breathing the warm air, completely stunned at the niceness, smiling at crocuses and little green shoots coming up, damning the stubborn remnants of the giant ice block from December's storm that's still hanging on in my front yard. I threw open every window in the house. The entire apartment took a deep breath.

I made:

the best ginger stir-fry ever
some odd but good pizza
some lovely spring rolls with less than stellar peanut sauce

I discovered:

6 beers over the course of seven hours, sans dinner, can give me a hangover. I am officially a cheap date.
I am bad at painting wall edges, though they have nifty tools that make you look pretty good at it.
Occassionally participating in uncharacteristic high-risk behaviors is super fun.

I declared:

It is now Chaco season. Socks be damned until October.

The drunken compass finally found its north

2008-04-04T12:33:00.003-05:00

After years of waffling and wavering and months of waiting, I finally know what I'm doing, and it feels so, so good.

Option #2 occurred: Girl's plans worked out, and I got the fellowship, but not the assistantship wrapper to cover tuition and fees. I'm (possibly delusionally) not very worried about this because the department is going to let me look for assistantships on my own and keep the fellowship if I get one. Possibilities include the Peace Corps recruiter gig, which I'm interviewing for next week, or a TA position in spring semester that my advisor might swing my way, or a few truly random things that I'm going to apply for this weekend. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to scare up something once I'm on campus. Or, I'll have to borrow for a semester. This I can handle.

And, so: This is my program. This is my advisor. I will spend at least the next two years of my life working on ways to leverage all of the things in Madison that get me all hot and bothered and happy to get healthy, sustainably produced, local food to more people. As a grad student, I can now officially throw terms like "food sovereignty" into conversations with wild abandon.

Oh, finally. I am so, so terrible at limbo. It is spring. It is Beginning. And I'm going to paint my toenails and buy some light beer and plant something and put away my sweaters and open up my windows and dance around my kitchen and sing.

Wedding dilemma!

2008-04-02T09:39:00.004-05:00

Considering this year's wedding line-up, this wasn't an unlikely scenario. I have an overlap in weddings this summer and don't know what to do. B&M's wedding is in Orange County, CA, on August 9th. Koa and Molly's wedding is in the Twin Cities on August 10th.

I could try the impossible and attend both, modeling my aunt and uncle's feat of Summer 2004: they joined us at my cousin's wedding in Fairbanks, Alaska, on a Friday night, leaving midway through the reception, and made it to the wedding of their nephew on the other side of the family wedding in Cuba City, WI, on Saturday afternoon. My aunt sang and played music at the second ceremony, no less. If I got a red-eye or early a.m. direct flight from LAX to MSP, I could potentially go to both weddings, but this could put a serious enjoyment crimp in both experiences. Considering my fiscal situation, Minneapolis would be a smarter idea that California. But, though it's looking less and less likely, I still haven't given up the dream of the Epic Road Trip of '08, which includes a stop at the California wedding. And, I'm really looking forward to the multi-course Chinese meal and seeing Melissa's dress that we helped her pick out and she now won't show to us (boooo!). Of course, if a bunch of Peace Corps folks end up at Koa's wedding, that would be a reunion 5 years in the making.

Decisions, decisions ... I'll have to decide sometime in the next couple months to get plane tickets, etc. So much vicarious joy to compress in one little year.

Worms and inspiration

2008-04-02T08:26:00.005-05:00

Excerpt from 7 a.m. in the kitchen:

Seldom-present roommate, eyeing the large cookie sheet of what appears to be hand-pressed cow manure sitting on the radiator: Are you cooking dirt or something?
Me: Nope, drying out the worm poop. The underprivileged third-graders sorted out the worms and rotting stuff yesterday, but I fed them too much last week and didn't put enough newspaper in, so it's pretty dense.
Him: Oh.
Me: I'm going to repot the plants this weekend.
Him: Oh.
Me: It's really good for them. The plants, I mean. Not the third graders. Though it was probably good for them, too.
Him: Oh.

I'm grateful for a roommate who puts up with me.

Also, a great open letter to the Presidential candidates from our board member.

The sunshine is making me feel hopeful today. That's new. I like it.

"Limbo, limbo, limbo rock ... "

2008-04-01T17:07:00.004-05:00

Because I've been living in limbo so long, I felt the need to declare myself a Limbo Girl who, apparently, gets to take trips around the world. While waiting for my magic plane ticket to appear, I called the department chair of my prospective department and said 'whassup.' I explained that I'm hanging onto another offer that I have to say yay or nay to by April 15, and I have an apartment lease to sign by then for next year, too, etc., etc. (Of course, I've pretty much resigned myself to going to Madison regardless, but they don't need to know that yet.)

Apparently, they're waiting on two things. There was a student who was accepted last year and promised funding but deferred to get residency. They think they found her an R.A.-ship in a disciplinary department, but she and the department are hemming and hawing if it's the right fit, too specific for her interdisciplinary research, etc., etc. Though this is precisely the concern I had with an assistantship in a disciplinary department, somehow I'm not feeling any empathy for this person. Make up your damn mind already. If her gig doesn't work out, she gets the fellowship. If it does work out, I get it.

The second wrinkle is the pieces of the fellowship. The actual piece that they have to offer right now is an $18,000 stipend - straight up, federally funded, no-strings attached cash. However, they are finding out tomorrow at some college meeting whether they'll have the assistantship piece (tuition remission + health insurance) to wrap around the fellowship.

So, one of four things could happen.

Girl's plans fall through and college doesn't give my department any assistantship assistance. I get nuttin'.
Girl's plans work out and college doesn't get any assistantship assitance. I get $18000 fellowship, but no tuition or benefits.
Girl's plans work out and college gives the department the moola, and I am a fully funded happy camper.
Any of the above work out + I get some random assistantship that I find somewhere else. Already applied for a Peace Corps recruiter position (P.A.) that would fit just fine into this option, but haven't heard from them.

I'm told I'll have an answer by the end of the week. While this obviously wasn't what I wanted to hear from this conversation, I feel infinitely better knowing the details of the situation instead of just knowing nothing. Why is that? I'm in no greater control of the situation than I was before ... I'm still firmly stuck in Limbo, it's just a slightly more enlightened Limbo.

Regardless, I'm sending many SHOW ME THE MONEY vibes into the universe this week.

April Essay Tuesday: Close calls

2008-04-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

March's Essay Tuesday entrants moi and Loud with our memoirs in six words.

April's Essay Tuesday topic is: Tell us about your close calls in life. It might be a near-death experience or a bad accident in which you weren't hurt. Or, maybe you were this close to making a major life decision (where to go to college, a move, job decision, relationship decision, whatever) that, in retrospect, would've been a terrible idea. Maybe you once thought you were pregnant and - whew! - weren't. Whatever it is, tell us about the situation, what could've happened, what did happen, and what you learned.

Remembering things like this always makes me feel lucky and reminds me that things usually work out for the best, even if it's not what I would choose at the time.

How to look hot on hotornot.com

2008-03-29T15:16:00.006-05:00

Continuing the important academic work begun by wintersnowgypsy and The Other Molly during our fabulous weekend in Minneapolis last month, we conducted an intense two-hour early morning research session on hotornot.com.

The subject: How to look hot on hotornot.com.
Working theory: In the Upper Midwest, men posing shirtless and with cute (e.g., puppy, baby), exotic (e.g., in a foreign or scenic locale), or excessively masculine (e.g., scenes with sporting feats, uniforms, cars, etc.) cause higher ratings on hotornot.com.
Test population: Because we respect our great state of Wisconsin and our elders, we primarily researched the 40+ age category in "Wisconsin-all other areas," which means "not Milwaukee."
Results: We were right.
Analysis: In-depth results below with some supporting illustrations. Dos are courtesy of collective wisdom of hotornot's 40+ "Wisconsin - all other areas" male population. Don'ts are courtesy of your researchers.

Hotornot Dos:

1. Pose shirtless.

2. If you can't be shirtless, wear a wife-beater.

3. Pose with dog.

4. Pose with kid.

5. Pose with a fish.

6. Pose in a uniform.

7. Pose with a something containing an internal combustion engine - the bigger the better.

8. Combine as many dos into one shot as possible.

#2 + #7

#1 + #3 + #7 = Triple Threat

Hotornot Don'ts:

1. Have a big gut when posing shirtless.

2. Pose with an ugly dog if posing with a dog.

3. Freak women out with the description in your profile. For example:

Use "oral" as a keyword. Especially if you are 40, bald, and creepy looking.
Tell a woman you'll treat her "romantic" with "massages and open doors and give her champange," which we prounounced cham PAN gee.
Use the words "hook up" when over the age of 40. This indicates potential for child molestation.

4. Wear spandex.

5. Overdo the fish thing.

6. Pose in pictures with a wide view of a room that is a giant mess. The fact that the picture features a prominently displayed bottle of cleaning product does not make the mess OK.

7. Pose eating in your bathroom. Doesn't even work if you are shirtless.

8. Feature cheap alcohol in your picture.

9. Use your work I.D. as your photo, even if you are a supervisor.

10. Sport bad facial hair. Particularly bad facial hair + balding and/or mullet.

Quote of the evening!

2008-03-29T02:17:00.002-05:00

From hotornot.com:

Congratulations! hotwinterwonderland is
available!

Anybody out there still using rabbit ears?

2008-03-28T11:52:00.004-05:00

I'm one of the select few with an Old Skool, un-cabled, analog TV hooked up to a cute little bunny-eared antenna. I was fully prepared to be TV-less next February when the world goes digital because I wasn't about to spend $50 for a converter box for my 10-year-old TV that I bought used for $40. Happily, I just discovered that I can be a rabbit ear devotee well into the second decade of the new millenium, thanks to your tax dollars. Go to this site, sign up for a coupon, and the generous US government will send you a $40 coupons to use for a converter box (limit of two coupons per household). Like magic, no questions asked. From a quick online search, it looks like the converters cost between $40 and $60 at big box stores. Rockin'. I signed up for two coupons, so if anyone else needs one and is too lazy to sign up on the website, let me know and it's yours.

Inspiring quotes

2008-03-27T08:48:00.003-05:00

This morning, I replaced the shopping list on my refrigerator white board with a quote inspired by my basic plan for the weekend:

“Caballeros, en los Estados Unidos, tomar asi es lo que
llamamos un 'ben-der’.”

– Source: Me, c. January 2002, on the downward slide to a three-day Bolivian drunk with my co-workers at San Mauro, the annual town fiesta. Translation: “Gentlemen, in the U.S., we call drinking like this a 'bender.’”

And so it will be. The last three weeks have been one long December. My system is not accustomed to feeling less-than-perky. It doesn’t suit me.

Rules To Live By, #245

2008-03-26T13:29:00.003-05:00

When someone is sitting on pins and needles waiting impatiently to hear about the fate of their future from you, do NOT send the person unrelated correspondence that does not pertain to the future-defining matter at hand, particularly correspondence with provocative subject lines. The unfulfilled hope in the viewing of that message causes angst, mini-heart attacks, premature aging, and a rush of disappointment so strong the recipient's blood runs sour and cold for the next half-hour.

This rule may or may not have been conjured due to personal experience with that one thing I'm not worrying about until next week.

Quitters never win

2008-03-26T11:11:00.004-05:00

Apparently the first week of May is my Annual Job-Quitting Week. I'm done sometime around May 1. Next steps still TBD.

Ironically, I feel motivated to work for the first time in a month .... It's a nice feeling.

The annual existential crisis

2008-03-25T09:34:00.003-05:00

As Loud so astutely commented, I haven't had an existential crisis in awhile. Not to worry! One snuck up on me last week and went off like a grenade. I got seriously ill for the THIRD time this winter and missed three days of work again. I dove head first into wallowing in misery - fretting over the grad school funding limbo, moping about the miserable weather and 7 inches of snow Friday, watching countless episodes of Lost online (let's just say I've gone from non-viewer to nearly caught up in a month), eating a lot of carbs, and really not missing my job or caring if my mountain of backlogged work got done at all.

That last one jolted me out of woe-is-me mode into overanalysis mode. I worry obsessively about things I shouldn't even care about, so, when I don't give a damn about something I should care about, there's a serious problem. After overanalyzing, I decided to do the following:

Whatever happens with school stuff, I'll more than likely end up going to Madison, and I'll figure out some way to pay for it, even if it means borrowing. I can't do anything about it either way until I know whether I get dissed on the fellowship or not (hopefully late this week or early next week), so I'm just done worrying about it until then. Really.
I cleaned my house really well Sunday night and opened some windows to let fresh - yet frigid - air in. That lightened up the energy significantly.
I called my friend, who is a CSA farm manager, and left a message asking if she knew of any farms near Madison looking for summer help.
I planned a monthly local food cooking night for April so we can all make funky Save the Vegetable dishes together.
And the big one: Tomorrow is my belated six-month review at work. I am going to put in my month-and-a-little notice and quit on May 1. Last year I decided that life is far too short to have a well paying job you dislike or don't care much about. It follows that life is far, far too short to have a crappily paying job you dislike or don't care about. I'll have to find something to do for the summer, but I have a month to figure it out.

Ahhh, much better. At least the crises are becoming fewer and less intense, and I've learned to just DO SOMETHING about it, instead of getting paralyzed for months. Even if it's the wrong thing, at least I'm moving forward.

PS, I was on Channel 27's morning news this a.m., pimping Maple Syrup Fest. I'll be on Channel 3 sometime Thursday or Friday morning. Too bad I'm cutting off my career in broadcasting just as it's beginning :)

"My Post" Meme

2008-03-25T06:40:00.001-05:00

In honor of and witty repartee ensued ... 's 2-year birthday, this meme from Mouse seems an appropriate retrospective.

It’s the "My Post" Meme!
**The Rules**
1. Post about the meme and link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Go back through your archives and link to your five favorite posts.

Link One: must be about family
Link Two: must be about friends
Link Three: must be about yourself
Link Four: must be about something you love
Link Five: can be anything you choose

3. Tag 5 other people (2 being people you would like to get to know better)

I'm choosing to skip step 3, but here are the links, with a few yapas (Bolivian for "extras"):

Link One: must be about family
I'm blessed with an amazing family. Just the latest of many posts with adorable pictures of the kids, and weddings, Wisconsin style.

Link Two: must be about friends
I have fabulous friends. We have fun on trips.

Link Three: must be about yourself
What the world would be life if it were populated by a bunch of 11frogses.

Link Four: must be about something you love
My Peace Corps site, which inspired my llove of llamas.

Link Five: can be anything you choose
My people come up with lovely ways to spend our spare time.

March Essay Tuesday: Memoir in six words

2008-03-24T19:19:00.004-05:00

Per the March Essay Tuesday topic, my life in six words:

Wandering passionately - lost or trailblazing? TBD.

Just try to not say "Awwwww" ...

2008-03-15T23:35:00.005-05:00

I finally got out to my brother and sister-in-law's temporary digs last weekend. They'll be in this place until June probably, as repair work on their broke down palace just began last week. I saw the babies for the first time in a couple months. They're big and smiley and huggable and hair-pulling and just so goddamn adorable I can hardly stand it. My grandparents came with us, and it's so, so fun to see the greats with the kids.

Reegan flirting after his nap.

Who knew strained carrots could be so delicious?

Rylee with great grandma.

And laughing at big sister.

Great grandpa's a funny guy.

79.5 years and three generations apart. Wow.

So sleepy.

Limbo goes on ...

2008-03-14T18:41:00.003-05:00

My instincts were right: I am a second-class citizen on the funding front. I was not offered one of the assistantships, which I figured because I think they're in natural science departments. The department head said I am "next in line" for one of the fellowships, depending on "how other deals work out," and it'll probably be 10 days before they know more. I'm interpreting this to mean they've offered the money to another student, and they either need to confirm other assistantship funding for that student or the student has to turn them down in order for me to get the fellowship. Back to impatiently waiting ... in a slightly more depressed manner, while sick for the umpteen billionth time this year. Argh. Ah, well, at least it's going to be nice out this weekend.

Patience is not my virtue

2008-03-12T13:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon at my meeting about funding with the grad school program I want (really, really), I was told that there was a departmental meeting directly after my meeting. The agenda for the departmental meeting: decide which incoming students get the (very) limited departmental funding. They have two no-strings-attached, full fellowships (the Holy Grail of grad school funding) and three assistantships, which I gathered were in the biological/ag science disciplines (botany, agronomy, etc.) and therefore not for social science folks like moi.

So, I have myself convinced that if I don't get one of the Holy Grail fellowships, I will be out in the cold and desperately hunting alone for funding. This would make me sad. I have also convinced myself that, if I don't hear from the department in the next couple of days, it means that I did not get one of the fellowships. The result? I am attempting to be productive at work, but I am primarily checking my email every 15 minutes and having minor heart attacks each time the page loads.

Argh. My whole attempt at a breezy, we'll-see-what-happens attitude is wearing thin. I want to know. I want to make a plan. I want to get excited and move in a new direction. I just want to start grad school already after talking about it for 10 FREAKING YEARS. And I want your taxpayer dollars to help me do it so I don't have to take out more loans.

Your happy thoughts and calm energies are welcome this week. If I hear something positive, I'll be buying several rounds of green beer this weekend. Hopefully someone will be helping me drink them.

Wedding #7

2008-03-11T09:23:00.002-05:00

Huge congrats to Koa and Molly! See, the Midwest is better than the West coast :)

Loud, I'm officially caught up to you on the 2008 wedding count and have equaled my previous record of 2000 ... though I'm not in any of them this year, so not quite. What were the prizes in this contest again?

Signs of spring?

2008-03-07T15:18:00.004-06:00

As previously discussed, I’m really struggling with this winter thing here. Really. I just want to cry and kick the snow in the shins like an angry three-year-old. But, I’m trying to think positively. So, a few happy signs of spring this week:

I got my state tax return back and am anxiously awaiting my federal one. They are partially refilling the Amsterdam- and illness-depleted slush fund.
I’ve been offered a partial-funding fellowship from one of my grad programs, and I’m meeting about funding with the other program next week. Sometime in the next month, I should have an idea what my life will look like for the next few years.
A lil’ bit of snow melted in the sun earlier this week. Too bad we’ll be down below 0 again tonight and expecting more snow on Sunday. Argh.
I had a cough on Tuesday, but it didn’t turn into a drop-me-to-my-knees cold – a first for the season.
I am going to make underprivileged elementary school children separate my worms from the compost as an educational activity in their after-school program. This makes me happy on many levels. One, I will have compost for repotting my plants with minimal work and grossness. Two, I can harvest some wormies to give to my two co-workers I’ve evangelized to the Great White Worm Way. Three, it’s kind of sadistic, in a cute, good-natured way.
I only fell on the ice getting in and out of my car in the ice chute/alley once this week. This is a great improvement over near daily falling early this year.
Six weeks ‘til the first outdoor farmers’ market.
We tapped maple trees today, and the sap was flowing! Alleluia! Some of the naturalists claim to have seen a bunch of birds around. They have better eyes than me, but I still think they’re full of it.

On a less positive note, I am very sad that the clock gods are taking away my a.m. sunshine this weekend. It was just starting to be easy to wake up in the morning again, which is becoming more and more necessary as I’ve started attempting to run again.

Ni modo. I’m going home to enjoy my sole Lenten fish fry of the year, redeem some Christmas gift certificates, and squeeze some babies. Maybe it will be warm and sunny all the way down south …

Simply awesome

2008-03-07T11:43:00.002-06:00

My dream job.

Incompetence cubed

2008-03-06T14:03:00.003-06:00

My favorite accounting department strikes again. I got a letter from the company that administrates the flex plan for my former employer. It says that I have $270-some left for medical expense reimbursements from my 2007 flex plan account that I need to claim by March 31. This is interesting because, when I quit last May, I made a couple of claims that spent all the money that had been automatically deducted from my paycheck and deposited into the account up to my termination date, plus I ran over that amount slightly. The HR person told me that the overage claim ($20-some) would be taken out of my last paycheck and all was fine.

Apparently, the fabulous accounting department not only failed to deduct the overage claim from my last paycheck, but they also continued to pay into my flex plan account for the next seven months of the year - deductions from my phantom paycheck?

At least in this situation, I come out $20 ahead (not paying the amount my claims went over what I'd paid in) instead of sans health insurance. But I'm wondering what happens to that $270 still in my account. Is this the stuff that gets paid to the government if you don't use it, or does it go back to the company? Regardless, I'm dumbfounded at the fundamental incompetence. When you're turning over that many people (dozens a month), someone should have a what-to-do-when-people-leave checklist that says, "Close flex plan account." I cannot fathom how the same anal department that once returned my reimbursement for $30 spent on pizza for a team worknight to me twice + a phone call for correction and explanation is capable of bleeding money left, right, and sideways like this. Some adage about nickels and dimes and forests and trees applies here.

For the eco-pompous and eco-hopeless, a reminder ...

2008-03-05T14:59:00.003-06:00

Good post, with even better links, about walking the middle road between "what-difference-will-it-make?"-induced inaction/despair and pompous perfection on environmental issues. To whit:

the conclusion is essentially this: work hard at it, be reasonable, do what you can, and keep learning about the next step.

Can you tell I cleaned out my feed reader last night?

I am very white

2008-03-05T14:46:00.003-06:00

In case there was ever any doubt, I can now confirm that I am a white girl, per this blog. I've only read a few entries, but I love about 90% of the things on the Full List of Stuff White People Like. Hilarious.

Reminds me of sophomore year in college ...

2008-02-29T16:58:00.005-06:00

Sophomore year of college, I lived in a crappy, tiny two-bedroom apartment above a bar with a messy, lazy woman with a cat, a high-strung, perfectionistic woman who hated cats, and another middle-of-the-road person.

The middle-of-the-road person and I enjoyed hours of endless entertainment watching the other two do escalating battle over cleanliness, cats, and related issues. My favorite passive-aggressive battles involved strategic placement of errant drain hairballs on the messy person's shampoo bottle each morning by the smug clean person, which the messy person noticed not at all. There were also threats to charge the messy person money for incorrect washing of dishes, and a screaming match about whether it was sanitary to use the dish sponge to clean out the cat's food and water bowl. When the cat litter wasn't emptied often enough, clean person would leave a note that said, "Messy Person. Cat Litter." That's all. No flowery requests here, just increasingly thinly veiled aggression. Hilarious.

Anyway, this website took me on a trip down that particular branch of Memory Lane. Love it.

March Essay Tuesday topic: Memoir in six words

2008-02-29T14:13:00.005-06:00

Well, only Lucia (with caveats), Loud, and I chose to live life on the edge with a day of no consequences in February.

For March, I want to copy a concept I've seen bouncing around on various sites this month. There is a book out featuring people's life stories as told in six words. Check out the site for some examples (they scroll through the top box). For me, concision is always the biggest challenge, though hopefully this will be easier than having to describe yourself in one word.

So, March's Essay Tuesday topic is: Write the memoir of your life to this point in six words or less.

Essay Tuesday: My day with no consequences

2008-02-29T09:48:00.003-06:00

In thinking about this topic, I discovered that I am either very boring or else pretty happy with my current state in life because I don't really have the urge to do anything too wild and crazy on my day with no consequences.

I thought about doing some mean things to people because I wouldn't have to face the consequences, but I'd still probably manage to break the rules and feel guilty about it somehow. It's in my DNA. And, frankly, I like making people feel happy and glowy and comfortable, so I don't think I'd want to do anything too mean. The worst I would do is maybe steal something small and valuable, like a piece of jewelry or something, which I would then pawn for cash to put myself through grad school, put a down payment on a house, fund my next trip, or, better yet, pay for a trip that would finally get my family to go out of the country. I would be very nice about it, of course: "Excuse me, sir, can you please hand me your most valuable piece of diamond jewelry and not notice when I walk out of the store? Thanks, I really appreciate it."

Most of the other things I thought of involve doing all of the athletic activities I find fun but am too uncoordinated to do. If there are no consequences, then I can break bones and get concussions and potentially even kill myself , but I'll be just fine the next day, right? Depending on the season, I would try the following: snowboarding, downhill skiiing, bobsledding, ice skating, mountain climbing, whitewater rafting, mountain biking, surfing, windsurfing, and - the most death-defying of all for me - rollerblading.

In addition, I would call every single man I find remotely attactive and ask them all out. If they laugh at me or reject me, it would all be forgotten the next day (hey, buddy!), and I would probably end up with at least a few dates.

That's about it.

Spring hasn't sprung, but it will

2008-02-29T09:21:00.004-06:00

At least this is what I've been telling myself - over and over and over. Usually I revel in each season, especially fall, all the way through it. Just sink in and soak it up. I lovelovelove the four seasons and hated living where there were only two. But, this month just kicked my ass. With the Bronchitis from Hell that made me miss so much work, lots of travel and other busy-ness, money and grad school worries, and multiple yicky driving experiences, I'm very ready for winter to be over as of about two weeks ago.

But, I was making my list for March last night, and some of the items on it made me grin like goon. By the end of this month, I will have done these things, and therefore it will be spring. Hallelujah!

Evidence of spring springing, per my to-do list:

Dry-clean winter coats
Handwash and store wool sweaters
Wash and put away winter hats, gloves, scarf collection, sled
Clean and weatherproof winter boots
Get bike accessories, fill tires, grease chain
Bring up pots and soil, pot new plants
Buy seeds for Evenstart garden
Take shovel and blankets out of trunk
Buy summer skirts and white cardigan
Scrub out cupboards, refrigerator, and freezer (almost empty!)
Talk to landlord about washing windows

I can make it another month. Really, really I can.

Also, of all months of the year, why oh why did the Calendar Adminstrator Bigwigs choose February, the crap-tasticest month of the year, to add another day to? Why not June or September or some month people want one more day of? Yet another thing that will change when I'm Queen of the World. Fare-thee-well, February, fare-thee-well.

Pretty Dutch stuff: windmills, farm, and city

2008-02-28T17:36:00.000-06:00

We went to see windmills. They are big.

The green beauty we climbed up, used to mill dye for paints and, on the day we went, cocoa. Mmmm.

Giant gears

Steep steps.

Wow, the paddles turned fast and powerfully in that wind. Made me feel slightly OK about having bad hair in every single photo.

Another one that wasn't open that day.

The gorgeous little restored village near the windmills.

Down on the farm ...

Chickens rock. They're not quite as cute as my aunt's punk rock roosters, but they were pretty cute.

Gerald's cousin and our tour guide at the back edge of the property overlooking the fish pond they dug out of the canal. You can see the big energy-producing windmills in the background.

Sheeps! Nearly ready for lambing.

And in the big city ...

The Dutch really have this no cars thing down pat. This photo, courtesy of Loud, showcases the ubiquitous trams and miles-long lines of bicycles.

Me looking intensely confused (also courtesy of Loud). I'm guessing we were trying to figure out how to get somewhere.

I lovedlovedloved the beautiful rowhouses with giant windows.

No parking here to corner, canal-style. There are a few thousand houseboats moored on the city's canals. We got to spy in their windows on our boat tour.

The museum we missed.

On Dutch Innovations and Ode to G-Love

2008-02-26T14:57:00.008-06:00

This small plastic wonder is what we came to refer to as a sfork (short for “serrated fork,” pronounced sssss-FORK!). It was proffered to us by the owner of a pastry shop on the edge of the Red Light District at about 2:30 a.m. our last night in Amsterdam, where we scarfed down strawberry and pecan tarts, a snazzed-up hot dog, and a piece of pizza standing under an awning in the rain. After struggling to pull pieces of our tart off with the fork and fingers, and later sticking our noses directly in them to get a bite, the kind pastry guy informed us that we could cut the pastry with the serrated edge of the fork. We found this to be PURE BRILLIANCE.

Of course, this is the same shop owner who later propositioned Loud, with a wink and a head shake toward the back room, to dance erotically in exchange for free hot dogs for our friends. This proposition was warmly encouraged by Eman, who was willing to trade Loud’s considerable skills for approximately two schnazzy hot dogs. We are going to print him a t-shirt that says, “I pimp my friends for hot dogs. Amsterdam ’08.”

And that, my friends, kind of summarizes my Amsterdam experience: delicious, crazy, exhausting, aesthetically pleasing, just a wee bit seedy, and, primarily, full of laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I rarely caught my breath.

And, so, a few vignettes, as narrative simply doesn’t jive with the vivid snapshot character of the weekend.

On the plane to Amsterdam, I sat next to a charming young man from Detroit, en route to visit his dad in Qatar via relatives in Germany. We talked and laughed for a good portion of the 8-1/2-hour flight, and he kindly proffered a very enthusiastic but secondhand recommendation for Red Lebanon hash. He neither snored, elbowed me in the side, attempted to grope me, nor had a screaming child with him. In addition, we share a passion for bacon. A pleasant travel partner was a first in my international flight experiences that can best be described as a series of unfortunate events. Another first: I actually slept for a few hours.

For our first outing in Amsterdam – lunch – Loud and I discovered what was to be our favorite beer of the trip, Laffe from Belgium. We also screwed up a shopping expedition by not removing our own items from the basket at checkout and not weighing and tagging our own produce. Now we know.

There are bikes. Many. Everywhere. Rows and rows and rows of bikes. And bike lanes with their own traffic signals in the city. Awesome. The cars are small and adorable. The men are tall and wear nice shoes. The countryside is gorgeous, charming, and cottage-filled. The city is row-house-, canal-, and history-drenched. Everything is beautiful. I simply cannot understand why such an aesthetically pleasing and pleased people chooses to continue listening to bad techno and remixed early-90s hip-hop. Ugh.

We never did get very good at navigating the city. When moving the entire group around (13 of us at one point), it took at least an hour to get somewhere and two hours to eat a meal, what with the corralling and the theorizing about the best route to get there and the getting lost and the multiple crappy maps, all with slightly different strengths. Our first tram experience was a comedy of errors, featuring impatience and much giggling. The best getting lost experience was on our way to dinner at the uber-trendy restaurant in the warehouse district. We left the hotel an hour early to take the train and ferry there. Tram ride was smooth as buttah. Ferry ride was smooth, too, except that it was the wrong ferry that let us off much farther away from our destination that we intended. We walked. And walked. And walked. Into, around, and out of a residential area with apartment buildings and then into a warehouse district where the only human being or vehicle we saw was a semi looking for the right place to unload. Of course, this was the one night I chose to wear heels. Dumb. We were getting slightly desperate when we heard our names being yelled in the distance. Thankfully, G-Love and friend decided to come looking for us after we were 30 minutes late. They saw us from a block away as we were crossing the street. If they hadn’t caught us just then, we would’ve passed out of their line of sight and would still be wandering the warehouse district, I think. Serendipity.

We spent this amazing day with G-Love’s fourth cousin once removed, who offered to show us around her “little farm.” She is a lecturer at the university in Haarlem, teaching sustainability and sociology. The farm is little size-wise by US standards, about 15 acres. However, it was pretty amazing to me. They’ve rebuilt the original stable barn into a cooperative housing unit with eight one- and two-bedroom apartments and common spaces. They raise flowers and vegetable crops to feed the folks who work there. They welcome WWOOFers. They also have horses, about 15 head of sheep, and a dug-out pond for swimming and fish habitat along the canal. I was enthralled and asking a thousand and one questions. I’m pretty sure my next existential crisis will involve going to work on the cousins’ farm. More serendipity. We also drove through bucolic countryside and climbed up a working windmill on a very windy day. Amazing. I’ll post photos soon, once I get my hands on everyone else’s. (I wasn’t in the mood to take many for some reason.) The only downside of that amazing day was that I didn’t sleep at all the night before. Not even an hour. It was rough.

In the museums, I learned that I like Vermeer better than Van Gogh.

The Dutch make Wisconsin-daughter-of-a-dairy-farmer-approved cheese.

Other Dutch innovations we want to bring back home along with the sfork. At the dance club, they give you a sturdy plastic drink holder to carry your drinks around if you order more than two. Kind of like the cardboard ones they give you at fast food restaurants, only sturdier, reusable, and fitting up to six drinks. Anyone who has ever pushed through a bar crowd with your fingers unsteadily splayed around three or four sloshing drinks can understand the simple beauty of this. For the boys, the outdoor urinals were the most fabulous thing since sliced bread. After initial reluctance, they sought them out, preferring the outdoor urinals to parochial indoor bathrooms.

Two magical moon moments. On Friday night, nee very early Saturday morning, reclining on a park bench in Leidesplein square: with loud drunks circling all around, I’m laser-focused on the fuzzy hazy misty moon backlighting the bare tree branches above us. I notice that they were just starting to get buds on them, and my snow-weary soul sighed, "Life does go on." And, on the way home Sunday night, after we narrowly avoided selling Loud for hot dogs and closed down a piano bar (another serendipitous find) where we sang – loudly and horrifically - Sinatra and John Denver at the top of our lungs: A yellowing willow on the edge of the canal is lit up as if by spotlight by the moon, literally the only point of glowing in the damp streetscape. The sight stopped us dead on the canal bridge, and we group-hug-gazed at it. A scene straight out of a Rembrandt painting, and a moment I hope I never forget.

All of this was courtesy of my favorite roommate in the whole world, who, courtesy of workaholism and an insane work travel schedule, bankrolled with frequent traveler points several of our plane tickets and all of our very nice hotel rooms, which included access to breakfast and happy hour in the executive lounge every day. And, yet, we seldom saw G-Love because he was flattened with a fever that started in Paris last week, and then his girlfriend fell on a bike lane curb and badly sprained her ankle our first night out on the town. Just so you know, even when you were absent, you were there in spirit, G. Because we enjoyed quizzing your brother about your childhood to better psychoanalyze you. (Of course, by “we” I mean “I” in this case.) Because we got to hear your running-while-drunk stories from college. Because we got to add stories of our own to the collective Gerald lore. And the Madison crew so enjoyed your fabulous friends of the Florida diaspora. I kind of wanted to pack the Toro brothers up in my carry-on so I could have my own personal stand-up comedy team and cheeks to pinch whenever I want. So, thank you, Gerald. Really. I know that even if you had a crappy trip, you’ll still consider it a success since the rest of us had such a great time. And that is exactly why we love you.

and witty repartee ensued ...

That one time ...

A thing happened

Random thoughts

February ennui

On the uselessness scale

What I would've posted on Facebook this week if I were using this month

My favorite things

Happiness Weekly Woo-Woo: How do you deal with anxiety?

2011 Happiness Project

End of Year Challenge Results

Something I wrote

2010 End of Year Challenge

10K10lbs10weeks: Update-ariffic

10K10lbs10weeks: Hunger-induced insomnia

10K10lbs10weeks: The good, the bad, and the ugly

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 6 Goals

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 5 Progress Report

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 5 Goals

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 4 Progress Report

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 4 Goals

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 3 Progress Report

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 3 Goals

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 2 Progress Report

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 2 Goals

10K10lbs10weeks: Week 1 Progress Report

*tap, tap* Is this thing on?

Personal happiness commandments

Scenes from my best vacation ever

Summer could potentially be awesome

And the oddest text message of the month goes to ...

Weather-whipped

Trip to-dos

In need of ooomph

Ask and ye shall receive

Morning ode

Wheedling

Last night, I Relaxed.

Monday, on balance

The cuteness, it hurts.

Closer to becoming a person who walks around with headphones stuck in my ears

Cleaning out the feed reader

An odd juncture in life

Ridiculously expensive long johns have revolutionized my life

Cynical, aging, practical or pathetic?

Please suggest ...

How tomorrow will be different than the days before it

Because I never blog anymore, I'll link to someone who does ...

Like Bubba Gump, only with apples

Apples

Sampler

To ensure a melodramatic morning

miscellania

On a cold, cloudy morning

Reason No. 14,276 I love my neighorhood

40 Before 40

On seredipity and summer festivals

This might actually work

I'm a quitter

White again

Yet another reason to love squash

A thing at which I am good

My first Farmers' Market brunch of the year

On embracing poverty ...

This poor, poor horse corpse

I am far too ethical

VICTORY!!! ... without the 'sort of' this time

By Lucia's numbers

Why all the good ones are taken

Google-stalking skills

In honor of Chaco Season, ...

Springy

The drunken compass finally found its north

Wedding dilemma!

Worms and inspiration

"Limbo, limbo, limbo rock ... "

April Essay Tuesday: Close calls

How to look hot on hotornot.com

Quote of the evening!

Anybody out there still using rabbit ears?

tap, tap Is this thing on?